The Sacred, the Beautiful, and the Magical

There is something magical and beautiful about clouds resting around the tops of mountains. It is this beautiful display of earth reaching up to its highest point, and the heavens reaching down to touch the earth. It seems like a scene that would be part of any number of fantasy stories, and here it is, right outside my window, greeting me with beauty.

I was in the temple yesterday, thinking about the sacred things that go on there, and how they go beyond what I would consider magical, and they are truly sacred and special. I've been thinking about magic a lot, as it is a recurring theme in fantasy, and I am drawn towards fantasy for writing, in world creation, and things like that, but not to flashy magic. I guess my perspective is that the kind of magic I would want to write about would all be a matter of perspective, that our world is magical to those who have a different view.

These mountains, the clouds around them, their beautiful is magical and mystical to me. It is the same thing when I find beauty where I do not expect it. I think the most compelling kind of beauty is not the one that is striven for, and created just for that purpose, it is when something else is happening, and it is beautiful beyond the purpose. The mountains are there doing their own thing. The clouds are coming to bring rain and do their own thing. Their union is not planned so that I can look up and see the beauty. It is the same thing with seeing beauty in relationships. Relationships between others or even with myself involved, do not exist so I can admire their beauty. They go on for their own reasons, but there is something so undeniably beautiful that just shines through sometimes.

It makes me think of the concept of shri in yoga, to shine through your pose. The intent of the pose is not beauty. It is work, it is a connection with your body, to help it, to make it feel good, but then when you add shri, there is something beautiful about it.

The magic in this world is not our electronics. It is not our cars, or even our ability to split atoms. I mean, sure, these things are the flashy kind of magic, with instantaneous results, like a light switch. But the true magic of this world is the beauty that comes through things and people fulfilling their purposes in life.

But those things get to be so magical that they almost cross a threshold into the realm of sacred. There are so many magical, sacred, beautiful moments to be experienced in this world. I love finding them.

The Miracle of Birth, and even more the Miracle of Life

Four years ago, I witnessed a miracle. I watched my niece Prairie be born. It was beautiful. Birth is powerful. I watched my sister, as she pushed this beautiful little baby out, as she labored with her, and how ecstatic she was to have this new life, and I felt part of that too. It was an amazing day.

But amazing as it was, in some ways the greater miracle is the daily things that have come since then. It is the moments of growth, of joy. It is the life that she has lived that has been a miracle, the bright ray of sunshine that she is to so many around her. She loves to snuggle, and she is serious about her dancing, and she loves textures.

4 years ago, an amazing child was born into the world. I love her so very much.

Trust

When I find something I want to work on, I tend to plan, I tend to make rules for myself. I want to see a friend more, I make a mental arrangement of how much I would like to see them. And a lot of that I think comes down to a basic distrust of myself to do that which is necessary, or that I will have a sustained desire to do the things I want to do at the moment I make such a decision. So I make a rule, a guideline, whatever.

I think a lot of that stems from the reaction of how I dealt with being depressed when I first got married. Forcing myself to do the things I didn't want to do, because I hoped that they would make me feel better. It is for that reason that I would have marathon baking sessions, and want to have 20 meals worth of food in my freezers, so that if I was depressed, it would not spell the end of eating.

But I've come to the point where I realize that mode of operating is not really necessary anymore. I am generally happy, and feel capable of cooking for myself anytime I want to eat. I will make plans to see my friends if I want to. It is embracing a basic trust in myself, to take each day as it comes, to not sacrifice today for tomorrow, without sacrificing tomorrow for today, living each day to the fullest, with an eye to the future, that I may continue to do so indefinitely.

I like to take time to feel the sensation of my lungs filling up with air, the simple act of taking a breath. It is really an amazing feeling. Every moment of every day I am doing this thing, but it takes noticing it to realize its power. I feel the same way about observing nature and the weather. It goes on all around me anyway, I'll be outside walking around in it, but when I take a moment to notice it, I am almost always inspired by its beauty, in all the varieties it comes in.

I do those things, and I have no rule about them, no goal to do them once each day, or anything like that. It just comes as I anticipate loving the moment I am in, trusting myself, I find that some of the best moments are just taking a moment to notice my breath, or looking to the beautiful world around me.

And so I trust myself for the next moments to come.

Plateaus

I like newness. I like trying new things, developing new skills, making new friends. There is this feeling of growth that is so palpable when things are new. You are growing a relationship that never existed. You are gaining skills that you have never had before, learning things you didn't know, having an experience that you have never had before. It is a richness of experience.

I feel like the past four months, I have been tenacious about seeking after new things, especially goals and talents. I've done lots of things that I have never done before.

At some point, though, there comes a plateau. I am a different person definitely to who I was four months ago, but I don't get the feeling like I am going to be so changed in the next four months. But it makes me think back to a couple years ago when I was running all the time. I would push myself to go however long, and kept trying to run farther and farther, but it was never really easy or great. Then I went to North Dakota, and I was running there, and I ran farther than I ever had, and I just loved the wind, and I loved running. I don't know that I was pushing myself, but I was loving the moment I was in in that very moment.

I expect the noticeability of my growth (at least to myself) will slow, but I hope that I can just enjoy life.

I did yoga today, and as I was doing shavasana (I have no idea how to spell that) at the end, I just lay there and felt superb. Then Prairie, Emily, and Zephyr came over and up, and I just felt this peaceful joy.

Carolyn told me something once that one of her harp teachers told her, that when you feel like you are making the least progress is really when you are making the most. I think of that a lot, especially when I consider the plateau stages of life.

Being Led

I have been thinking lately about a quote, can't remember who gave it, but it was one of the apostles or prophets, about how it is perhaps of much more importance not the prayers we ask, but the prayers we answer.

I'm in Vegas, and showed up at church today to a building, with a note that the ward was not meeting, but would meet again next week. A minute or two later, this girl showed up, and was like, "Are you trying to go to church?" And I said yes. She had come down to Vegas for the weekend as well, and her friend had dropped her off at church to go to mass, and then was not answering her phone. So this girl didn't have a car, and it was pretty hot, and so she was worried about what to do, and had been praying that someone would come and be trying to go to church, then a minute later, I showed up.

And really, this girl's presence was a miracle. First of all, because I couldn't get a hold of Jessica to have her tell me where another church was and this girl had an iphone where she could look up where we could find another ward, and then as we were driving to this new ward, she started talking to me about her ex-boyfriend, and I was talking to her about my husband, and it just sounded like we had a lot of similar experiences, and so it was awesome to talk to her, and just get to share a moment in time together, relating to each other.

Then this ward was like, exactly where I needed to be today. There was a high councilman there speaking, and he just offered counsel and advice that was exactly what I needed to hear.

It was a beautiful day to bask in the miracles of the gospel, to reflect on the beauty of the atonement, and to joy in the blessings that God sends forth upon all his children. I love him so very much.

A Peaceful Anxiety

It is funny how peaceful this morning has been, even though I woke up with my mind racing around and stressing over how to arrange my work schedule this summer so I can maximize my hours for the few vacation periods I want off. It is probably what woke me so early, though. I walked downstairs and went to the bathroom, then came back upstairs, no lights on, just reading my book by the natural light of my windows and skylight, the mountains resting outside, and the clouds and bits of snow creating a view out my window.

My book transported me to Virginia, to a 550-acre farm, and he was discussing the grasses feeding the cows, the chickens, the turkeys, the rabbits, and how they all work together, the symbiotic relationships they form. And as I thought about them, my mind traveled to Vernon, UT, where my half a big that I have put a deposit in, is living and eating on pasture, though probably on hay in a barn right now with how cold it is. But Berkshires are hardy and can stand the cold, which is why the Christiansen's use that breed.

When Emily has talked to me about sustainability, I have always had this yearning for self-sufficiency, to be able to grow most of my own food, to provide for myself and my family. And as I read this pastoral vision, this farm that exists, I saw on a large scale what I want to do on a tiny scale with probably just a few acres and a few animals.

It is at the same time an incredibly peaceful thought, and a very exciting one.

Apparently I am updating on Sundays now, as I just looked and my last two entries were on Sunday. Probably because it is a day where I have time for quiet reflection without having to be rushed off to work afterwards.

There are moments in life where things come to a fork. There are two or more paths that can be taken, and it has to be decided what course life will go on. I think a lot of these come down to decisions where it is not us doing the deciding. We yield control of our lives to someone else, to something else, and there are a variety of ways it could turn out, and it will have significant impact on us. I have a few things going on like that right now, and it is weird. I have in the past met such points in my life with impatience, wanting control back of my life, wanting to know what the path would be, feeling this need to know being more important than even really how things turned out.

I feel very zen about things. Things will change, or they will not. Things will change in one way or another, or they will not. I could take control of my life and decide what is happening, but I would sacrifice the beauty of options. And so I enjoy the waiting, the time of indecision. What do I know? That my life is going to be good, that I will find happiness and joy in the moments. I don't know how the big picture will end up, I don't know if these things will end up being significant or small, almost inconsequential.

Sometimes the smallest decisions we make have the biggest consequences. I think more often it is fear of the small decisions than the big decisions that holds us back.

And sometimes it is a time for patience. I am enjoying my patience right now, in limbo, waiting. It is a good feeling to measure myself and find in myself the feeling that I have the capacity and strength to face the multitude of paths my life could take.