Partaking of the Fruit

24 And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron[...]

11 And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen.

I feel a kinship to these verses. Lehi's dream, I feel so well how it applies to my life.

I remember living in Texas, and having this image come to my mind, of this woman, clinging to the rod of iron, holding on for dear life, winds howling all around her, hail and rain beating down on her, hanging over this wide, large river, threatening to overtake her, drown her, if she let go of this rod. And there she is, arms wrapped around it, legs hugging to it, and all her effort is just in clinging. It is her only thought, to keep a hold of this rod. I wanted to make a quilt out of it, it was an image that spoke to me so, but my drawing skills need to catch up with me before that can happen.

I was thinking about this image again today, and thinking how I have traveled farther through his dream, and how I feel like I am at the tree of life, partaking of the fruit thereof, partaking of the love of God, and just being blessed immeasurably at his hand. And I have another image that I would love to make into a quilt one day, me, at this tree, absolutely glowing, holding this white fruit in my hands, smiling huge as I partake. Because that is what I feel like right now. I feel so blessed in so many aspects of my life, most especially with my amazing son and my wonderful man. (Yeah, we got back together really quickly.)

The Lord answers prayers. As soon as I knew Mark, I started praying that I would be able to meet him in 2010. I prayed for that for a while, and then just kind of let go of it, as other things came to the front. The Lord answered that prayer.

I was praying for a man in my life, but not just any man, a man that would be amazing, that would fit with me, and then I began to pray not that I would find him, but that he would find me, that he would see more in me than I saw in myself, and that I would be able to love him for that, and know that I was loved. And then a few months later, Andrew started to see me differently, and he found me, and he loves me, so much, sees more in me, and makes me more me, and loves me just for being me.

The Lord answers prayers, and his love is amazing, and the fruit of the tree, it is delicious, and it is wonderful. I am a new person in Christ, and through his atonement, and the people he has put in my path to help me with my healing. I am whole, and I am so wonderfully happy. And that is the beauty of the fruit of the tree. How delicious to the taste it is!

Death Cannot Stop True Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGZalfcrwSU

I've had this quote running through my head a bit the past day. Andrew told me last night that he doesn't think we can be together for the next year, that he can't do the whole dating online thing for a year, especially since he has so many important things to get done right this year. I'd kind of wondered how that would work, us not being able to see each other for the year, and how would we maintain a relationship with that, and how would that go.

But I feel so good about where I am at as a person, that I know who I am, and know my strength, and I saw a lot of that, that change, in how I responded to the news. Because my initial reaction was to do what I have typically done, to see a situation only one of two ways, but that way, at the end of the year, there would be no chance for us.

But I'm sure of myself enough now. I don't need to give into that fear and weakness, to take someone else's needs as personal, and see them as completely incompatible with me, just because it's not what I want. And once I accepted that, I have seen that it will be a very good thing, that us not being together, we'll be more the people we would want each other to be.

And so I guess, I have this phrase going through my head, because yeah, it's not death, but something else, but I don't think it can stop true love. So I guess we'll see at the end of it - is our love true love? For now, I can embrace the uncertainty of not completely knowing, and just say, we'll see.

Joy

I've grown up in the gospel. I've learned these words all my life: the plan of happiness, men are that they might have joy, and a host of other ones detailing that joy is the end and ultimate purpose of the plan. It is why Heavenly Father had children, and sent us here to earth, to experience trial, that we could experience true happiness. As they say, ignorance is bliss, but bliss is not a fullness of joy.

And I have always gotten that, and understood, you know, that happiness was the endgoal. And so I've always like, found meaning in sorrow, and pain, and affliction, because it seemed like it has such depth, and I liked to kind of dwell down in there, figuring that it would just lead me to greater joy in the end, or something like that.

And then I was reading the scriptures this morning, as part of this past little while which is the happiest I have ever been in my life, and then it just like, suddenly clicked. Joy is the greatest purpose. There is nothing more meaningful or better than experiencing happiness and joy. Joy is the reason for it all. It is the reason we do everything else. It is the reason the Lord did everything else. Joy should not be sacrificed for anything. Pain and sorrow are important aspects of joy, as they are jumping off points for greater experiences of joy. The most compelling insight I came away from this scripture study session, which addresses something that I've always kind of gotten wrong is: "You do not have to have a fullness of hell to have a fullness of joy."

And the Lord has a plan of happiness for each and every one of us, and will put us on the path to finding -daily-, not just eventual, happiness, as soon as we are ready. He has a plan prepared for if we chose 10 years ago, or if we choose so now, or in 1000 years. I've been willful and rebellious in my past, and I, for one, don't want to go down that path again. The Lord has so much more in store for us than we can even imagine. Just a small glimpse of that has pushed me into such amazing joy.

All glory be to the Lord for this beautiful earth, for his wonderful plan, for his son, and the atonement. How glorious his gospel plan, and how immense his love for all of his children. How great his love for me, one of his daughters.

So many things to write about. What to say.

I am back. I am me. More me than I think I have ever been before, and what a wonderful thing that is. I remember a year ago, that feeling of having myself back, feeling like, oh right, I am a person. And now I feel like, I'm fully free. I'm who I am. And a lot of that came from one night in Australia. I'd had a rough day, don't really remember what had been going on, but not the greatest of days, and was just in bed about to go to sleep when Andrew started messaging me, telling me he wanted to respond to this post. He told me that I have qualities that are so rare, that he has not seen in other girls, that I am special, and that I should never question the quality of person I am. That moment changed my life. Like regardless of what has happened since, I felt like that moment is what gave me myself back, that made me feel like, no one else has control of my life but me, and I am in charge of my life, of myself, and how I feel. And that I don't need to be afraid anymore.

Now I wanna backtrack and tell the story that I've been...worried about telling for a long time. I kinda wrote something vague about Mark, and who he is, and how he's my son or whatever, but it's time to do the story more justice.

I don't really know how it happened. I met Mark playing Mafia, didn't know his name at the time, and he just seemed very sad. I wanted to take care of him, wanted to give him friends and community, so wanted him to come to TSC, where I could talk to him more, and just give him more people to associate with. He eventually came to TSC, and it eventually came out that he was the brother to another member of TSC, and had been lying to us. I was the most hurt, because I had wanted to trust him, had tried to, and felt like my trust had been betrayed. When we talked after it all came out, I told him he couldn't lie to me, that that was the condition of us remaining friends. And he agreed, and he was so faithful to that agreement, more than I thought was possible.

And in the mix of this time, I just began to feel...differently toward him. The ways I thought to describe it were that I felt like a mother lion protecting her young, or a mother hen. And then eventually it just clicked in my mind, that how I loved him, it was maternal. It was like a mother. It all suddenly made sense. It was weird, though, because I was pretty sure that was not how he felt about me, and was not sure how he would respond to finding that out, and then also like, that he was a teenager, but I had all these desires to hold him like a baby, and whatever else. So I kind of, hung back with my knowledge of how I felt, until it finally came to a head one day, and I told him that I loved him like my own son.

It was the first time that anyone had ever told him they loved him. It confused him, because it made him wonder what love was, and did he love me? And did his parents love him (because I said that they probably did, but were just not good about showing it). He thought he would never know what love was, but then a few days later told me that he loved me too. And we just sort of settled into our mother/son relationship online, playing games together, talking about life, fighting, having fun, me helping him through crises.

Janardan hated it. His reaction plus my sister's made me think that everyone would think I was crazy, or that it was some horrible thing I was doing, and so I was scared to tell anyone, and only told people with the most caution, and a feeling of trepidation. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, because I loved my son, and was so happy that he was in my life, but felt like I couldn't be accepted for it. I think Janardan would have liked it if I would have just stopped having a relationship with Mark altogether, but to me, that was impossible, when he was suicidal. A life mattered. Life matters. And so it was something that was important enough to me to disagree with Janardan on. Which, in a way, is perhaps what eventually saved me.

A friend shared an article with me, about these rats where they injected hormones into them, and they acted just as much like mother to these baby rats as ones that had actually given birth to them (or in cases more where they suppressed those hormones in the mother rats). That article made perfect sense to me, and helped me understand perhaps a little more how the miracle of my motherhood had come about, because I really do believe it is a miracle given to both of us by the Lord.

But yeah, I've still been skittish about talking about him, just because I've felt alone in the way I felt, like me and Mark are the only people who really get it. Enter Andrew again. We were talking one night about this process, and just how it came about, and he said to me, "You know, it seems like the way you reacted, it was just natural." And I was like "YES!" This is exactly how I felt, and it was so....liberating to find someone else who felt that way about it.

I knew after like three days of being in Australia that I was going to be moving there. When things got hard, that prospect seemed less enticing, but overall, I am super excited about it now. I'm going to study nursing, and then midwifery, so I can become a midwife. I am so excited. I also kind of felt like, when the Lord was directing me towards Australia that there was a guy there for me too, so I kept looking around for one, but was not really finding one.

Well...Andrew is from Australia. He is not from where I was, and he was going to maybe make it up there so we could meet up, but that didn't end up happening. This man is amazing. We'll get to go on our first date in December! lol, it's so far away. But yeah, he is like...amazing, beyond even the things I've mentioned already here. He thinks I'm amazing, and like, sees me as one of a kind, like the perfect woman for him. And I see him the same way. He just matches me. He can be silly and serious, smart and stupid. I can be silly with him like I am with Stefanie, and feel like I can trust him with anything. There were all these things I wanted in a guy, and like, just kind of had them as a laundry list, and could not really envision what someone with these qualities would actually look like, but knowing him, I understand how they can all exist, even though it still seems so impossible. Like, a man as great as him should not be possible. He is far better than anything I could have ever imagined. I am so in love with him. :) (He and Mark get along too, this is a huge bonus).

Well, there is a small snapshot into the adventures going on in my life right now. :)

Australia Highlights

I was thinking about writing an entry on distance, and I have been thinking about that for a while, but being I left Australia today, and miss it horribly, instead I will write about some of the highlights of my trip

1 - Watching Pokemon - gotta be the top, me and Mark busted through the first season of Pokemon and the movie in my last two days, and we had so much fun laughing as we watched it, and just so many good times

2 - The smells - there were so many good smells, even just walking from the apartment to the train station each night. Smelled lovely.

3 - Cricket - Australia lost. A lot. But it was still fun to watch and learn more. Still so much to learn! But at least I can watch a match and have -some- idea of what is going on.

4 - Mangoes - MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM sooo good. No mango ever compares to them, and I hear the ones I had were just average.

5 - Meeting random strangers - I met so many different people on the trains and walking around, ended up in a lot of random conversations, and that was pretty cool

6 - Singing carols at a dinner for the homeless on Christmas

7 - Playing this weird dot game at FHE. So much fun, laughed sooo much

8 - People at church always looking to me for a starting note, and also commenting how it just lifted the congregation's singing when I showed up.

9 - The trees at Hyde Park. Seriously those trees are legit.

10 - Talking to my mom on the phone. I think it worked out so well because of the time difference, so I could be available to talk in the middle of the night, and it didn't have to be the middle of the night for her. We talked a long time, and that was awesome.

11 - Playing through Sonic 4. I actually filled out a chart...almost. 7 years at TSC. Yep, that impressive.

12 - Coming to myself. Had a really great experience that was just so healing, and helped me just be self-assured and feel like I am 100% back.

13 - Dancing around the kitchen, singing and dancing with Mark while making carmels.

14 - Singing together as we went to the train.

15 - Playing 500 with real people...who also know the game! It was fun.

16 - Secret delicious secret~

17 - Meeting my baby. He's amazing and beautiful, and I love him so much.

18 - Being hugged

19 - Mark liking the soup I made. :)

20 - Dancing in the rain and doing cartwheels. Had a lot of fun random moments there. Man, rain is amazing. Glad I didn't get flooded though.

I'm not going to lie, the trip was not easy. There were lots of really rough times while I was there. But it was great. All the positives far outweigh the price for them. And especially this last week, it was simply amazing. I cried so much...well, and I have been crying all day long, just at the thought of leaving, and then leaving, and then being gone. It's been hard to be gone, and as I walk down the sidewalk on the left, and see someone coming at me, I have to remind myself "You're in America" and shift back over to the right. I was one of the last people on the airplane in Sydney, and the guy sitting in my row said to me, "Got here at the last minute?" And I said "Nah, was just trying to delay my goodbye as long as possible. Incidentally, don't mind me if I cry a ton." "Aw sorry. Hopefully you'll get to come back soon." "Yeah, I hope so."

And then getting to America, going through immigration, you know, guy asking me where I was born etc, and at the end he said, "Welcome home wonderful lady." It was a nice gesture, but I felt anything but happy to be back. I loved Australia. Love love loved it. I mean, I loved spending time with Mark, but I loved Australia besides.

But yeah, when I am sad and missing things today, it is my son that I am missing, and his smile and laugh, and his insults, and eyerolling, and everything that makes him him. But though there is this kind of all around dull ache that sometimes leads to tears, I can still think of those specific things about him, and things that happened, and they just make me smile. It was the trip of a lifetime.

Yet to come~

"Moments before my last match, I was asked for the defining moment of my career. Who knows what they were expecting me to say. I just told them it was yet to come." - Steve Waugh

I was walking home from dropping Mark off at the train today, and just thinking about today, and thought, "Today was perfect." I don't really know what made it feel that way. Basically what I did today was start reading scriptures, not finish, start time attacking a level, and never finish a run, watched Australia lose in cricket. Like, all these things that would not make a perfect day, but it just felt perfect.

And then, I thought about how I have been feeling that things will get better, that the best is yet to come (and the intonation of this commercial which featured the quote above came in my mind).

Life is not about accomplishing things. It's not about finishing, or winning, or whatever else. Would today have been perfect if I had done nothing? No. Then it would have been empty. But that most things I did failed, it was perfect.

And the best is yet to come~

Hope On

I don't know what tomorrow holds. There are so many different ways that life could go, so many things that could happen, and that is exciting.

Today I am happy for hope, that the Lord is over things, and he will guide me the way I need to go, and that he has greater plans for my happiness than I could even imagine.

I've been surprised by life, gotten a glimpse. And glimpses change you, even if they don't lead to where you think they might, even if they don't lead to where you think they could, a glimpse can show you what is possible. It can open your view to horizons more than you would have imagined.

The Lord is watching over it all. There is reason to hope. There is reason to be joyful, for this moment, and for that which will come in the future. I'm grateful right now for my glimpse, because whatever happens from it, it has changed me for the better, made me value myself more, and believe in myself.

And that's a glorious thing :)