Jared

When I came to Australia, I said goodbye to lots of people - even if I didn't actually say goodbye to them, I mentally left them back in America, with the intention that that was that, for a long time, until I made it back to the states. It felt final, but I always knew it probably wasn't, because I planned on making it back to the states.

When I heard Jared had died, it didn't really strike me at all, because he was one of the many who I'd said goodbye to, so it just seemed like that was part of that, but as I think back more on my friends in the states, and when I might see them again, he is one I won't see again, and for the first time I'm sad for me about him dying. And so, I want to remember.

Working at Vision, it creates this weird dynamic. You talk to these people every day, multiple times a day, and so you start to build a rapport with people, get to know them, joke with them, but you could have no clue what they look like, and if you do, it's a picture from facebook.

One time there was a huge thing at Vision with lots of people there. I don't think I'd met Jared in person at that point, but we were texting and we'd talk on the phone about random stuff from time to time, so I thought he might talk to me a bit, but all I got was a head nod. I gave him a hard time about that.

Other than that, there were actually only a couple times that I spent face to face with Jared. He took me on a friend date to see How to Train Your Dragon. I remember sitting there with my arms crossed, because he'd told me that he would often hold girls hands on friend dates, and so I wanted to make it clear that he wasn't going to hold my hand. He took me to Applebee's, and talked about the church welfare system versus the government welfare system.

But my bigger memories of Jared were from the phone - him talking me into liking Jesse, telling me we'd make a good couple (with both Jesse and I within hearing), then texting with me when Jesse got a girlfriend and I was crushed.

Can't really think of Jared without Jesse. Those were my most distinct impressions of Jared, as part of the Jared-Jesse duo, the brothers who were so tight. Jesse's the one I was saddest for when I heard, just because they'd had a special bond, and it'd meant something to me, just even to watch it from the sidelines.

I remember there was this huge secrecy around Vision, because I like Jesse, and this girl Jessica liked Jared, so we'd told each other our secrets, but no one else knew because it was a bit taboo. So one day Jared says something to a customer, about how I'm his girlfriend or whatever, and I blurted out, "Not when I'm interested in your BROTHER!" in the middle of the call center. I looked around to see if anyone had heard, and thought they hadn't but I was pretty embarrassed by that, and then started to worry that I'd hurt Jared's feelings, and what if he was interested in me? We women really do overthink things.

The image that sticks with me, though, is of a phone call I had with Jared one night. It was middle of the night, and he had just been out wandering around Viriginia Beach, a few miles from home by then. He ends up in some sprinklers, and ended up hitchhiking home with some apparently cool people, but he tells me that he is going to buy a scooter, and that when he gets it, he's going to ride around with a cape on. Virginia Beach's superhero is kinda how I imagined it, just moreso a dysfunctional superhero.

He took me out when I got promoted too. I don't know if  it's because he knew I'd be divorced, so maybe no one else would think to take me to celebrate, but it was really sweet. He let me choose where to go, and took me to Communal. I remember him saying he'd rather take people out and spend his money on people, because that was what mattered to him, and also that he didn't like to be alone.

Above all, what strikes me most about Jared when I think back on him is how human he was. He had uncommon generosity, all the while trying to convince me to try drugs. He called me up one day to ask me about the pig I'd bought, and wanted to go and name a pig, and then have it slaughtered and eat it.

I miss him. I think what I really miss is never getting to talk with him about the church, now that I'm on the other side of it. Because he tried to talk to me about it before, but I didn't know how to listen then. Still not planning on trying that bud, Jar.

I could live a thousand years, but still there would be nothing but today

There is nothing but today.

That is what the hardest parts of my life taught me, as I came out of them, having looked perpetually to the future, to eternity, or later points in my life, all the while not realizing how I wasted the one thing I actually had.

It doesn't matter what you believe. All you have is today. Even if I live another thousand years, in a thousand years, all I will have is that moment to be happy, that today. If I can't be happy today, then all I've taught myself is how to wait, and for the most part, the wait has been unnecessary.

I've lost sight of today, as I've felt constrained by my lack of visa, and limited options for making money in this country until I get a more permanent visa, or until other factors change. I think to the future time, when these constraints will be lifted, but it's a dangerous situation to get yourself into, waiting for tomorrow, because tomorrow is always in the future.

What I have for sure is today. And I shouldn't have to get cancer, or have some huge change coming to me to realize the value to me of today. The day before I die is not any more valuable than this one, if I value it.

I looked it up, the phrase "there is nothing but today" and it was linked on one part with someone who didn't have a belief in an afterlife, and how for them it meant there was nothing but today, meaning that their life would be lacking something.

None of us has tomorrow. It is ever elusive, as much as the desire for "more" can never be reached. Happiness is not found in more, happiness is not found in tomorrow. Happiness is found in today. Happiness is found in enough.

There is nothing but today is a hopeful phrase to me, because it reminds me that I don't have to wait, that I owe it to myself to value today as much as any, that no day is just any other day. Today is special, simply because it is the only now there is.

Common

"There's plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket, there's only five of them in the whole world, and that's all there's ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?" -Charlie and the Chocolate Factory


It is easy as I engage in my day to day to life for the illusion that what is common in my life now to seem common. It is funny how those moments happen so very often, where everything just seems like business as usual, even though I often think where I have come from, and how it just feels like a brand new, beautiful life. 
I was looking the other day at this beautiful diamond ring that I have in my hand, and the above quote came into my mind. I have this one diamond in my life, one solitary item of great monetary worth, but there are millions of them out there. Compared to the relationship I have with Andrew, this diamond is so very common. 


It is not that great men are uncommon. There are many wonderful men out there. It is that is what is rare is the man who matches so well to me. I am confident that there is not a man out there who is better suited to me. 


I decided to experiment with the no 'poo idea. I told him about it and the things I was reading about, and he told me a few days later that he's decided to do it as well. He came and played with shaving cream with food coloring in it with me, when that is what I was doing. He loves that I made bath crayons, and use them to draw on our shower walls. He was outraged that we were turned away from Clancy the Train because we didn't have children with us, and as we were walking away said he could go back and tell the guy off, and probably would have if I wouldn't have told him it probably wasn't worth it. 


It is not just that he loves me, it is what he loves about me, it is what he loves to do with me. We spent a bit of today talking about how we want to try Parkour, and so tomorrow we'll start trying to learn a few moves so we can test our skills. I love his passion for sport, too. It is something I never really got into much when I was single, but I missed it from having been involved with it when I lived with my dad. I love that we can spend an hour just rehashing the last decade of footy, and even though I wasn't here, I know who won every Grand Final, and a lot of the circumstances each of them happened in. I know who Bradman is (the best cricketer ever, for the non-cricket people out there), and I love Leyton Hewitt, because he has a fighting spirit and will never say die, and loves the challenge of any position of the game, just like Andrew. His mentality reminds me so much of Andrew. I love to see that competitive nature out on the court though, and can't wait for Wimbledon to see more. 


I love going to the beach, and not just going and having fun together. We appreciate the same things. So when there is a beautiful sunset with gorgeousness all around us, we are just back and forth pointing out beautiful aspects of it. That is something I've never experienced with anyone else. 


He also manages to make me laugh a fair bit, even though I don't think he's funny. 

I assume that being super in love and having found the person that matches you so well gives you a bit of that same feeling of having a baby, and always thinking they are the cutest baby to ever be born. It makes me feel like it is the best love to have ever happened. It really has nothing to do with comparing it to anyone else's, it's just that I can't imagine anything better. 


For me, there was only ever one golden ticket floating around, and I found it. And though it becomes common to me, as it becomes my life, and anything a part of your daily life starts to feel common. At the same time, I wouldn't trade it away for anything as common as money, or anything that is actually common at all. I'm not a dummy.

Facing Fears

I don't know how most people are about their greatest fears and how they come about, but I remember mine coming from a young age. I don't even remember how old I was, but I remember the thought, because it is a thought that I remembered often. The situation between my parents was not ideal, and I knew that, and there was a lot of awkwardness, and unpleasantness arose from it, and I remember thinking that I never wanted to get divorced.

It seemed then like some insidious force, something that could not be controlled, something that could come and get me, well, so long as I first got married. I had this dual fear of never being accepted into marriage, and of being divorced. I tried to control it as much as I could. As soon as I found someone I was sure I could get to marry me, I tried to get myself married to him. And then once I was married to him, I tried to bend myself so there would never be a problem, so that divorce would never come to be an issue.

Lots of people talk about cancer, and how it is this eye-opening experience that makes you see what really matters in life. I think a lot of that is having to finally face the reality of the fear of death, just as when Janardan told me he was leaving, I had to start to face the reality of divorce.

We're afraid of them, and so they seem monumentally scary. It seems like anything is better to think about than the subject of our fear. It seems like giving in, to indulge and spend time on our fears. But facing those hard questions, facing those questions that scare us, that is what leads us to find what is really important, and I think for most people they find it inside. It is not the sky that changes, it is the notice of the sky that changes, the realization of that beauty. To ask the question: What if I am single for the rest of my life? What if I only have a few more days left on this earth? What if that really is the end?

There are all sorts of fears, but the secret of fear is that we know the fear so intimately, it is so much a part of us, that we know exactly how to overcome it. I used to think my life would fall apart, that I would have a mental breakdown if I had a divorce. When actually confronted with it, I had and continue to have one of the biggest periods of personal growth. I came to myself, and began to value myself.

As soon as we stop being afraid of what we lack, then we can begin to not lack it. But no one is going to give that to you. Not your friend, not your spouse, not your parents, not your therapist. It is a gift you can only give to yourself. Face your fear, and you will discover parts of you you never knew existed, and strength beyond what you imagined.

Fear exposes our weaknesses, but it is just like eyesight will alert us to the fact that we are looking into an empty cup. It is simply a call to action. Fill up the cup. Overcome your fears, by facing them. What would actually happen if you were covered in spiders? Don't think to prevent the situation from ever happening, think of determining a new reaction, because why should little arachnids get the better of you? Or your ex? Or "divorce"? Or death even? Why should the thought of death take away your enjoyment of life? All of these are opportunities to see what life has to offer, even when it is at its crappiest point.

Just trust in you. Face your fears. You'll find a lot more in yourself than you ever thought possible. If you don't, your fears will rule your life, and you will fall into bad decisions, because you're thinking from a place of fear, not confidence and assurance.

When you take that last breath on earth, you will be the only one doing that. That will be an experience all of your own. Remember that. Your life is yours to live. You don't owe anybody anything, and they don't owe you anything. Your relationships are there to add to your happiness, and should be enjoyable, as well as enjoyed. Live the breaths before the last, though. Live them all, as much as possible, not in fear, but in joy. Not in weakness, but in strength. You'll find the strength inside yourself.

Keep Holding On

I remember the first time I heard this song. I was sitting alone at work in the late hours of the night, watching Glee, the main thing keeping me sane and happy at that moment. I was on the edge emotionally, of throwing my life away in some capacity, though not suicide, that's never been my inclination. Janardan had told me that he didn't like me initiating things, so I was leaving it to him to initiate contact between us. He wasn't doing so, and we probably hadn't talked in two weeks. I didn't know what to do, and I felt lost, I felt trapped, and I felt alone. 

I sobbed when this song came on, and felt like they weren't singing it to Quinn, but like they were singing it to me. I downloaded it within the next day or two, and I listened to it all the time. To me then, that felt like my life, that felt like that was going to be my life, stuck in that relationship, never speaking to each other, but having this uncomfortable presence always there. It did not altogether feel like there was a lot to keep holding onto. But this song gave me hope, just as a few weeks later, a random stranger giving me a starburst gave me hope.

It was hope for something to change, something to be different, though I didn't know really what it was that I needed to be different.

As I was listening to this song today, and thinking of the life I have now, I think of what great things I had to hope for then. There truly was a reason to hope. I would never have believed my life could be like this at that moment in time, in those moments of time, all the times I cried while listening to that song, thinking that yes, I would keep holding on.

And I did. And here I am, living in Australia, the love of my life a few feet away from me. I get more love and affection in one hour than the starved me got for an entire marriage. For example, he just came over and  told me he loves me and gave me kisses while I was in the middle of that last sentence.

This is more than I even dreamed of then. So yeah, keep holding on. The dark clouds will break and the sun will come out again. And to any of you out there who are Jennies of two years ago - you deserve love, and should accept nothing less. Keep holding on for it, yes, but don't wait til tomorrow to love yourself. Love yourself today. 

Today is Different

Something I learned long ago was that no day is like any other. This is something that I learned when I began to journal regularly. There was a girl in my seminary class, and she wondered what she could write in a journal each day, because they all seem pretty much the same. My heart screamed out that they are not! Every day is different. I knew that from writing each day, accounting for the events, looking for those things that were different. No day was ever the same as another.

But it can be easy to get drawn into the routine of life. It can be easy to feel like day by day, we go along doing the same things, and while we may progress toward certain goals in some ways, that our lives are ultimately just a mash and smattering of dull gray days with a sameness about them. I know I've felt like that, and that mentality is and always has been there in varying degrees.

I felt an awakening a little less than two years ago, when I realized the ultimate beauty and importance of the moment. And I've strayed from that a bit through my "survival mode" and adjusting to living in a new place, but it is something I never want to lose sight of for long.

Everything is different today. The patterns of weather, and how they all correspond to each other across the world, will never be exactly the same again. The clouds will never take that same shape again. The grass won't be at that length, with that history of growth. I will never be this age again. This moment is a moment all to me. It is the only moment I have right now, and it is the only time I will ever this moment. In an hour, it will be a different moment.

No day is inconsequential. Lives change every day, all around us. We change. We are who we are today. Today is what matters. Today, at this moment in time, all of the past, and all the possibility of the future converge into this one moment, into this undeniable existence of now. Enjoy it.

Sometimes I feel like I've woken up in an alternate reality. That is the closest thing to what I think living in another country feels like. The grocery store closes at 9pm every night, so all food items must be bought before then. Any other kind of store closes at 5pm, except Kmart. So if you go into the mall at 8:30pm to wander over to a Kmart, there is this creepy feeling of a zombie apocalypse. Everything is empty, and there is no one there. It feels like the world is dead. I mean, it's weird enough that people actually shop at Kmart.  The only things that exist that remind you of the country you've left are the golden arches, and the Hungry Jack's logo which resembles the 90s Burger King logo. Ketchup doesn't come with fries. Everywhere you go to eat sells schnitzels, but no one serves a steak with steak sauce. Everything has a different name too. The trunk is the boot. The hood is the bonnet. The mall is the shops. Position is posi. The weather is completely different. There are still the same months, and the same dates pass, but they feel completely different. Summer is starting as Christmas comes. There's no snow. The 4th of July was one of the coldest days of the year. Chinese means a nice dinner out with banquets and lots of courses, not quick take-out and cheap delivery. There is no Mexican anywhere. Everything that resembles Mexican has an off taste. The best tasting Mexican I've had here had chicken that tasted distinctly Indian. Amazon doesn't work. I've ordered from Amazon tons of times, always gotten my item within the time, usually for free shipping. I bought something off Amazon, and it was supposed to arrive by today, and they have to ship a new one out. The rental market is ridiculous. You have to supply things that would be required for a police clearance to prove that you should be accepted for a 6 month rental property. Money isn't good enough. Offered to pay however much up front, and people didn't seem to care about that. It is impossible to get a job, for me. I could go back to America, which is nearing a 10% unemployment rate, and be sure that I could find a job, that if I just looked hard enough or lowered my standards that I could find some sort of employment. (This is in large part to do with my visa, which that situation will hopefully change when I get a permanent visa). Everyone works on Thanksgiving. We got one trick-or-treater for Halloween, and people apparently have a backlash against Halloween here because they don't want to be too American, all the while happily chomping down their big macs and whoppers. Swearing is meaningless here. So is making fun of someone. No one takes it seriously, so it is done all the time, about everything. Adult and family culture is dominated by drinking. It's not just a 20s phase that passes for most people.

(I kind of got interrupted while writing this, and never really finished it, and am a bit out of that mode right now but figure I'll post it anyway.)