Friday, February 11, 2011

Partaking of the Fruit

24 And it came to pass that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron[...]

11 And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen.

I feel a kinship to these verses. Lehi's dream, I feel so well how it applies to my life.
I remember living in Texas, and having this image come to my mind, of this woman, clinging to the rod of iron, holding on for dear life, winds howling all around her, hail and rain beating down on her, hanging over this wide, large river, threatening to overtake her, drown her, if she let go of this rod. And there she is, arms wrapped around it, legs hugging to it, and all her effort is just in clinging. It is her only thought, to keep a hold of this rod. I wanted to make a quilt out of it, it was an image that spoke to me so, but my drawing skills need to catch up with me before that can happen.
I was thinking about this image again today, and thinking how I have traveled farther through his dream, and how I feel like I am at the tree of life, partaking of the fruit thereof, partaking of the love of God, and just being blessed immeasurably at his hand. And I have another image that I would love to make into a quilt one day, me, at this tree, absolutely glowing, holding this white fruit in my hands, smiling huge as I partake. Because that is what I feel like right now. I feel so blessed in so many aspects of my life, most especially with my amazing son and my wonderful man. (Yeah, we got back together really quickly.)
The Lord answers prayers. As soon as I knew Mark, I started praying that I would be able to meet him in 2010. I prayed for that for a while, and then just kind of let go of it, as other things came to the front. The Lord answered that prayer.
I was praying for a man in my life, but not just any man, a man that would be amazing, that would fit with me, and then I began to pray not that I would find him, but that he would find me, that he would see more in me than I saw in myself, and that I would be able to love him for that, and know that I was loved. And then a few months later, Andrew started to see me differently, and he found me, and he loves me, so much, sees more in me, and makes me more me, and loves me just for being me.
The Lord answers prayers, and his love is amazing, and the fruit of the tree, it is delicious, and it is wonderful. I am a new person in Christ, and through his atonement, and the people he has put in my path to help me with my healing. I am whole, and I am so wonderfully happy. And that is the beauty of the fruit of the tree. How delicious to the taste it is!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Death Cannot Stop True Love

I've had this quote running through my head a bit the past day. Andrew told me last night that he doesn't think we can be together for the next year, that he can't do the whole dating online thing for a year, especially since he has so many important things to get done right this year. I'd kind of wondered how that would work, us not being able to see each other for the year, and how would we maintain a relationship with that, and how would that go.

But I feel so good about where I am at as a person, that I know who I am, and know my strength, and I saw a lot of that, that change, in how I responded to the news. Because my initial reaction was to do what I have typically done, to see a situation only one of two ways, but that way, at the end of the year, there would be no chance for us.

But I'm sure of myself enough now. I don't need to give into that fear and weakness, to take someone else's needs as personal, and see them as completely incompatible with me, just because it's not what I want. And once I accepted that, I have seen that it will be a very good thing, that us not being together, we'll be more the people we would want each other to be.

And so I guess, I have this phrase going through my head, because yeah, it's not death, but something else, but I don't think it can stop true love. So I guess we'll see at the end of it - is our love true love? For now, I can embrace the uncertainty of not completely knowing, and just say, we'll see.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I've grown up in the gospel. I've learned these words all my life: the plan of happiness, men are that they might have joy, and a host of other ones detailing that joy is the end and ultimate purpose of the plan. It is why Heavenly Father had children, and sent us here to earth, to experience trial, that we could experience true happiness. As they say, ignorance is bliss, but bliss is not a fullness of joy.

And I have always gotten that, and understood, you know, that happiness was the endgoal. And so I've always like, found meaning in sorrow, and pain, and affliction, because it seemed like it has such depth, and I liked to kind of dwell down in there, figuring that it would just lead me to greater joy in the end, or something like that.

And then I was reading the scriptures this morning, as part of this past little while which is the happiest I have ever been in my life, and then it just like, suddenly clicked. Joy is the greatest purpose. There is nothing more meaningful or better than experiencing happiness and joy. Joy is the reason for it all. It is the reason we do everything else. It is the reason the Lord did everything else. Joy should not be sacrificed for anything. Pain and sorrow are important aspects of joy, as they are jumping off points for greater experiences of joy. The most compelling insight I came away from this scripture study session, which addresses something that I've always kind of gotten wrong is: "You do not have to have a fullness of hell to have a fullness of joy."

And the Lord has a plan of happiness for each and every one of us, and will put us on the path to finding -daily-, not just eventual, happiness, as soon as we are ready. He has a plan prepared for if we chose 10 years ago, or if we choose so now, or in 1000 years. I've been willful and rebellious in my past, and I, for one, don't want to go down that path again. The Lord has so much more in store for us than we can even imagine. Just a small glimpse of that has pushed me into such amazing joy.

All glory be to the Lord for this beautiful earth, for his wonderful plan, for his son, and the atonement. How glorious his gospel plan, and how immense his love for all of his children. How great his love for me, one of his daughters.