Friday, April 23, 2010


I like newness. I like trying new things, developing new skills, making new friends. There is this feeling of growth that is so palpable when things are new. You are growing a relationship that never existed. You are gaining skills that you have never had before, learning things you didn't know, having an experience that you have never had before. It is a richness of experience.

I feel like the past four months, I have been tenacious about seeking after new things, especially goals and talents. I've done lots of things that I have never done before.

At some point, though, there comes a plateau. I am a different person definitely to who I was four months ago, but I don't get the feeling like I am going to be so changed in the next four months. But it makes me think back to a couple years ago when I was running all the time. I would push myself to go however long, and kept trying to run farther and farther, but it was never really easy or great. Then I went to North Dakota, and I was running there, and I ran farther than I ever had, and I just loved the wind, and I loved running. I don't know that I was pushing myself, but I was loving the moment I was in in that very moment.

I expect the noticeability of my growth (at least to myself) will slow, but I hope that I can just enjoy life.

I did yoga today, and as I was doing shavasana (I have no idea how to spell that) at the end, I just lay there and felt superb. Then Prairie, Emily, and Zephyr came over and up, and I just felt this peaceful joy.

Carolyn told me something once that one of her harp teachers told her, that when you feel like you are making the least progress is really when you are making the most. I think of that a lot, especially when I consider the plateau stages of life.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Being Led

I have been thinking lately about a quote, can't remember who gave it, but it was one of the apostles or prophets, about how it is perhaps of much more importance not the prayers we ask, but the prayers we answer.

I'm in Vegas, and showed up at church today to a building, with a note that the ward was not meeting, but would meet again next week. A minute or two later, this girl showed up, and was like, "Are you trying to go to church?" And I said yes. She had come down to Vegas for the weekend as well, and her friend had dropped her off at church to go to mass, and then was not answering her phone. So this girl didn't have a car, and it was pretty hot, and so she was worried about what to do, and had been praying that someone would come and be trying to go to church, then a minute later, I showed up.

And really, this girl's presence was a miracle. First of all, because I couldn't get a hold of Jessica to have her tell me where another church was and this girl had an iphone where she could look up where we could find another ward, and then as we were driving to this new ward, she started talking to me about her ex-boyfriend, and I was talking to her about my husband, and it just sounded like we had a lot of similar experiences, and so it was awesome to talk to her, and just get to share a moment in time together, relating to each other.

Then this ward was like, exactly where I needed to be today. There was a high councilman there speaking, and he just offered counsel and advice that was exactly what I needed to hear.

It was a beautiful day to bask in the miracles of the gospel, to reflect on the beauty of the atonement, and to joy in the blessings that God sends forth upon all his children. I love him so very much.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Peaceful Anxiety

It is funny how peaceful this morning has been, even though I woke up with my mind racing around and stressing over how to arrange my work schedule this summer so I can maximize my hours for the few vacation periods I want off. It is probably what woke me so early, though. I walked downstairs and went to the bathroom, then came back upstairs, no lights on, just reading my book by the natural light of my windows and skylight, the mountains resting outside, and the clouds and bits of snow creating a view out my window.

My book transported me to Virginia, to a 550-acre farm, and he was discussing the grasses feeding the cows, the chickens, the turkeys, the rabbits, and how they all work together, the symbiotic relationships they form. And as I thought about them, my mind traveled to Vernon, UT, where my half a big that I have put a deposit in, is living and eating on pasture, though probably on hay in a barn right now with how cold it is. But Berkshires are hardy and can stand the cold, which is why the Christiansen's use that breed.

When Emily has talked to me about sustainability, I have always had this yearning for self-sufficiency, to be able to grow most of my own food, to provide for myself and my family. And as I read this pastoral vision, this farm that exists, I saw on a large scale what I want to do on a tiny scale with probably just a few acres and a few animals.

It is at the same time an incredibly peaceful thought, and a very exciting one.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Apparently I am updating on Sundays now, as I just looked and my last two entries were on Sunday. Probably because it is a day where I have time for quiet reflection without having to be rushed off to work afterwards.

There are moments in life where things come to a fork. There are two or more paths that can be taken, and it has to be decided what course life will go on. I think a lot of these come down to decisions where it is not us doing the deciding. We yield control of our lives to someone else, to something else, and there are a variety of ways it could turn out, and it will have significant impact on us. I have a few things going on like that right now, and it is weird. I have in the past met such points in my life with impatience, wanting control back of my life, wanting to know what the path would be, feeling this need to know being more important than even really how things turned out.

I feel very zen about things. Things will change, or they will not. Things will change in one way or another, or they will not. I could take control of my life and decide what is happening, but I would sacrifice the beauty of options. And so I enjoy the waiting, the time of indecision. What do I know? That my life is going to be good, that I will find happiness and joy in the moments. I don't know how the big picture will end up, I don't know if these things will end up being significant or small, almost inconsequential.

Sometimes the smallest decisions we make have the biggest consequences. I think more often it is fear of the small decisions than the big decisions that holds us back.

And sometimes it is a time for patience. I am enjoying my patience right now, in limbo, waiting. It is a good feeling to measure myself and find in myself the feeling that I have the capacity and strength to face the multitude of paths my life could take.

Monday, April 5, 2010


Sometimes the things we don't want to happen happen. When I was a kid, the last thing I wanted was to get divorced. 9 months ago, I began to worry that is what Janardan would end up wanting, and I was terrified. It was still the last thing I wanted. Sometimes those things happen anyway. And life can be okay.

It was still hard at first. It is still hard sometimes, though in a different way. I just find myself with a lot of anger toward him, and I try to find how to bit by bit let it go, but I seem to keep finding more. But the only way I know through it is to rely on the Savior, and how merciful and all-reaching is his love and atonement. Heh, I didn't start this post intending it to be an easter post, but I see way too many parallels. My old life died, but the power of the Savior has resurrected me, and given me a much better life. That is the miracle.

I was making dinner for my cousins and my sister's family, as we were all planning on doing an easter dinner together today. I had a lot I wanted to get done. And it was just so zen doing everything. I did a lot today. I cleaned my kitchen, made bread, made meatballs, which I then turned into Swedish meatballs, and got red sauce meatballs ready, all after coloring eggs with my nieces in between sessions of conference. I was just going about, doing these things, excited to have the largest gathering of people I have ever hosted in my own place, and I was doing dishes, and I just noticed that I felt no stress at all. And it was a wonderful feeling.

And then to sit and listen as my family talked around me, to hear my nieces scream and sing loudly and attack my cousin, to hear my sister catch up with my cousins, and to enjoy the food that everyone brought.

I don't know where my life is headed. I hope I will at some point in the future be blessed with a devoted husband, and that we can have a family together. But I'm not waiting to live, to love life. I want to enjoy this moment, and as many of the moments I am given as I can. I want to grow, and joy in the sore muscles. I am grateful for every moment of life I am given, and love the experience and potential, and reality of being alive, on the earth, in this moment, in this time.