Monday, April 12, 2010

Apparently I am updating on Sundays now, as I just looked and my last two entries were on Sunday. Probably because it is a day where I have time for quiet reflection without having to be rushed off to work afterwards.

There are moments in life where things come to a fork. There are two or more paths that can be taken, and it has to be decided what course life will go on. I think a lot of these come down to decisions where it is not us doing the deciding. We yield control of our lives to someone else, to something else, and there are a variety of ways it could turn out, and it will have significant impact on us. I have a few things going on like that right now, and it is weird. I have in the past met such points in my life with impatience, wanting control back of my life, wanting to know what the path would be, feeling this need to know being more important than even really how things turned out.

I feel very zen about things. Things will change, or they will not. Things will change in one way or another, or they will not. I could take control of my life and decide what is happening, but I would sacrifice the beauty of options. And so I enjoy the waiting, the time of indecision. What do I know? That my life is going to be good, that I will find happiness and joy in the moments. I don't know how the big picture will end up, I don't know if these things will end up being significant or small, almost inconsequential.

Sometimes the smallest decisions we make have the biggest consequences. I think more often it is fear of the small decisions than the big decisions that holds us back.

And sometimes it is a time for patience. I am enjoying my patience right now, in limbo, waiting. It is a good feeling to measure myself and find in myself the feeling that I have the capacity and strength to face the multitude of paths my life could take.

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