Sometimes the things we don't want to happen happen. When I was a kid, the last thing I wanted was to get divorced. 9 months ago, I began to worry that is what Janardan would end up wanting, and I was terrified. It was still the last thing I wanted. Sometimes those things happen anyway. And life can be okay.
It was still hard at first. It is still hard sometimes, though in a different way. I just find myself with a lot of anger toward him, and I try to find how to bit by bit let it go, but I seem to keep finding more. But the only way I know through it is to rely on the Savior, and how merciful and all-reaching is his love and atonement. Heh, I didn't start this post intending it to be an easter post, but I see way too many parallels. My old life died, but the power of the Savior has resurrected me, and given me a much better life. That is the miracle.
I was making dinner for my cousins and my sister's family, as we were all planning on doing an easter dinner together today. I had a lot I wanted to get done. And it was just so zen doing everything. I did a lot today. I cleaned my kitchen, made bread, made meatballs, which I then turned into Swedish meatballs, and got red sauce meatballs ready, all after coloring eggs with my nieces in between sessions of conference. I was just going about, doing these things, excited to have the largest gathering of people I have ever hosted in my own place, and I was doing dishes, and I just noticed that I felt no stress at all. And it was a wonderful feeling.
And then to sit and listen as my family talked around me, to hear my nieces scream and sing loudly and attack my cousin, to hear my sister catch up with my cousins, and to enjoy the food that everyone brought.
I don't know where my life is headed. I hope I will at some point in the future be blessed with a devoted husband, and that we can have a family together. But I'm not waiting to live, to love life. I want to enjoy this moment, and as many of the moments I am given as I can. I want to grow, and joy in the sore muscles. I am grateful for every moment of life I am given, and love the experience and potential, and reality of being alive, on the earth, in this moment, in this time.