Facing Fears

I don't know how most people are about their greatest fears and how they come about, but I remember mine coming from a young age. I don't even remember how old I was, but I remember the thought, because it is a thought that I remembered often. The situation between my parents was not ideal, and I knew that, and there was a lot of awkwardness, and unpleasantness arose from it, and I remember thinking that I never wanted to get divorced.

It seemed then like some insidious force, something that could not be controlled, something that could come and get me, well, so long as I first got married. I had this dual fear of never being accepted into marriage, and of being divorced. I tried to control it as much as I could. As soon as I found someone I was sure I could get to marry me, I tried to get myself married to him. And then once I was married to him, I tried to bend myself so there would never be a problem, so that divorce would never come to be an issue.

Lots of people talk about cancer, and how it is this eye-opening experience that makes you see what really matters in life. I think a lot of that is having to finally face the reality of the fear of death, just as when Janardan told me he was leaving, I had to start to face the reality of divorce.

We're afraid of them, and so they seem monumentally scary. It seems like anything is better to think about than the subject of our fear. It seems like giving in, to indulge and spend time on our fears. But facing those hard questions, facing those questions that scare us, that is what leads us to find what is really important, and I think for most people they find it inside. It is not the sky that changes, it is the notice of the sky that changes, the realization of that beauty. To ask the question: What if I am single for the rest of my life? What if I only have a few more days left on this earth? What if that really is the end?

There are all sorts of fears, but the secret of fear is that we know the fear so intimately, it is so much a part of us, that we know exactly how to overcome it. I used to think my life would fall apart, that I would have a mental breakdown if I had a divorce. When actually confronted with it, I had and continue to have one of the biggest periods of personal growth. I came to myself, and began to value myself.

As soon as we stop being afraid of what we lack, then we can begin to not lack it. But no one is going to give that to you. Not your friend, not your spouse, not your parents, not your therapist. It is a gift you can only give to yourself. Face your fear, and you will discover parts of you you never knew existed, and strength beyond what you imagined.

Fear exposes our weaknesses, but it is just like eyesight will alert us to the fact that we are looking into an empty cup. It is simply a call to action. Fill up the cup. Overcome your fears, by facing them. What would actually happen if you were covered in spiders? Don't think to prevent the situation from ever happening, think of determining a new reaction, because why should little arachnids get the better of you? Or your ex? Or "divorce"? Or death even? Why should the thought of death take away your enjoyment of life? All of these are opportunities to see what life has to offer, even when it is at its crappiest point.

Just trust in you. Face your fears. You'll find a lot more in yourself than you ever thought possible. If you don't, your fears will rule your life, and you will fall into bad decisions, because you're thinking from a place of fear, not confidence and assurance.

When you take that last breath on earth, you will be the only one doing that. That will be an experience all of your own. Remember that. Your life is yours to live. You don't owe anybody anything, and they don't owe you anything. Your relationships are there to add to your happiness, and should be enjoyable, as well as enjoyed. Live the breaths before the last, though. Live them all, as much as possible, not in fear, but in joy. Not in weakness, but in strength. You'll find the strength inside yourself.

Keep Holding On

I remember the first time I heard this song. I was sitting alone at work in the late hours of the night, watching Glee, the main thing keeping me sane and happy at that moment. I was on the edge emotionally, of throwing my life away in some capacity, though not suicide, that's never been my inclination. Janardan had told me that he didn't like me initiating things, so I was leaving it to him to initiate contact between us. He wasn't doing so, and we probably hadn't talked in two weeks. I didn't know what to do, and I felt lost, I felt trapped, and I felt alone. 

I sobbed when this song came on, and felt like they weren't singing it to Quinn, but like they were singing it to me. I downloaded it within the next day or two, and I listened to it all the time. To me then, that felt like my life, that felt like that was going to be my life, stuck in that relationship, never speaking to each other, but having this uncomfortable presence always there. It did not altogether feel like there was a lot to keep holding onto. But this song gave me hope, just as a few weeks later, a random stranger giving me a starburst gave me hope.

It was hope for something to change, something to be different, though I didn't know really what it was that I needed to be different.

As I was listening to this song today, and thinking of the life I have now, I think of what great things I had to hope for then. There truly was a reason to hope. I would never have believed my life could be like this at that moment in time, in those moments of time, all the times I cried while listening to that song, thinking that yes, I would keep holding on.

And I did. And here I am, living in Australia, the love of my life a few feet away from me. I get more love and affection in one hour than the starved me got for an entire marriage. For example, he just came over and  told me he loves me and gave me kisses while I was in the middle of that last sentence.

This is more than I even dreamed of then. So yeah, keep holding on. The dark clouds will break and the sun will come out again. And to any of you out there who are Jennies of two years ago - you deserve love, and should accept nothing less. Keep holding on for it, yes, but don't wait til tomorrow to love yourself. Love yourself today. 

Today is Different

Something I learned long ago was that no day is like any other. This is something that I learned when I began to journal regularly. There was a girl in my seminary class, and she wondered what she could write in a journal each day, because they all seem pretty much the same. My heart screamed out that they are not! Every day is different. I knew that from writing each day, accounting for the events, looking for those things that were different. No day was ever the same as another.

But it can be easy to get drawn into the routine of life. It can be easy to feel like day by day, we go along doing the same things, and while we may progress toward certain goals in some ways, that our lives are ultimately just a mash and smattering of dull gray days with a sameness about them. I know I've felt like that, and that mentality is and always has been there in varying degrees.

I felt an awakening a little less than two years ago, when I realized the ultimate beauty and importance of the moment. And I've strayed from that a bit through my "survival mode" and adjusting to living in a new place, but it is something I never want to lose sight of for long.

Everything is different today. The patterns of weather, and how they all correspond to each other across the world, will never be exactly the same again. The clouds will never take that same shape again. The grass won't be at that length, with that history of growth. I will never be this age again. This moment is a moment all to me. It is the only moment I have right now, and it is the only time I will ever this moment. In an hour, it will be a different moment.

No day is inconsequential. Lives change every day, all around us. We change. We are who we are today. Today is what matters. Today, at this moment in time, all of the past, and all the possibility of the future converge into this one moment, into this undeniable existence of now. Enjoy it.

Sometimes I feel like I've woken up in an alternate reality. That is the closest thing to what I think living in another country feels like. The grocery store closes at 9pm every night, so all food items must be bought before then. Any other kind of store closes at 5pm, except Kmart. So if you go into the mall at 8:30pm to wander over to a Kmart, there is this creepy feeling of a zombie apocalypse. Everything is empty, and there is no one there. It feels like the world is dead. I mean, it's weird enough that people actually shop at Kmart.  The only things that exist that remind you of the country you've left are the golden arches, and the Hungry Jack's logo which resembles the 90s Burger King logo. Ketchup doesn't come with fries. Everywhere you go to eat sells schnitzels, but no one serves a steak with steak sauce. Everything has a different name too. The trunk is the boot. The hood is the bonnet. The mall is the shops. Position is posi. The weather is completely different. There are still the same months, and the same dates pass, but they feel completely different. Summer is starting as Christmas comes. There's no snow. The 4th of July was one of the coldest days of the year. Chinese means a nice dinner out with banquets and lots of courses, not quick take-out and cheap delivery. There is no Mexican anywhere. Everything that resembles Mexican has an off taste. The best tasting Mexican I've had here had chicken that tasted distinctly Indian. Amazon doesn't work. I've ordered from Amazon tons of times, always gotten my item within the time, usually for free shipping. I bought something off Amazon, and it was supposed to arrive by today, and they have to ship a new one out. The rental market is ridiculous. You have to supply things that would be required for a police clearance to prove that you should be accepted for a 6 month rental property. Money isn't good enough. Offered to pay however much up front, and people didn't seem to care about that. It is impossible to get a job, for me. I could go back to America, which is nearing a 10% unemployment rate, and be sure that I could find a job, that if I just looked hard enough or lowered my standards that I could find some sort of employment. (This is in large part to do with my visa, which that situation will hopefully change when I get a permanent visa). Everyone works on Thanksgiving. We got one trick-or-treater for Halloween, and people apparently have a backlash against Halloween here because they don't want to be too American, all the while happily chomping down their big macs and whoppers. Swearing is meaningless here. So is making fun of someone. No one takes it seriously, so it is done all the time, about everything. Adult and family culture is dominated by drinking. It's not just a 20s phase that passes for most people.

(I kind of got interrupted while writing this, and never really finished it, and am a bit out of that mode right now but figure I'll post it anyway.)

They can take the girl out of Idaho, but they can't take the potato out of the girl!

Brushed Potato vs Russet Potato

Short Cut Bacon vs...what I can regular bacon

Tasty Cheese vs Cheddar cheese

I've been missing the familiarity of America a lot lately, and by lately, I mean the past few months. It started with missing the convenience and utter cheapness of 24-hour Walmarts. Shops here close at 9pm, a select few - most others close at 5pm, with one light of "late night" shopping a week, where the other stores will be open until 9pm. So when we moved into our new place, and wanted to stock up on all those essential items, but just get them quickly and cheaply, we had to head all over the place, and still only get half of them, because nowhere has everything, and everything is not cheap. 

I've also just been missing familiarity - every tree looks different, even the smells that seem almost the same have that distinct feeling of being different. The grass is different. The ants bite (and hurt). The spiders are supposedly huge, though I haven't seen any yet, but just knowing they exist in my area gives me the creeps. Trees bloom in bottle-brush shapes. This is really the most striking tree - it is beautiful, but it is also so unbelievably foreign. 

I remember the first time I walked into a grocery store in December, to be greeted by the sights on the left up above. Whoo different kind of potatoes! That's interesting! Bacon is different shape, well it doesn't look quite as good, but it's probably a bit healthier since it's less fatty. Then cheese being called tasty cheese just confused me, but I ate it, and was like, yeah that's alright. See, everything is exciting when you are first in a new country, well at least it was for me. Everything being different means it could be better, it means that all the assumptions are automatically questioned (at least with the things that are different), because they have different assumptions, and there is that palpable newness.

Well, that newness has worn off. There are a lot of things I really like about Australia, but there are so many things that seem different just for the sake of being different, and take away that familiarity that says - this place is home. It's like - this is why it is different to move to Utah or New York than it is to move to Australia. The banks are different from state to state, but cheddar cheese is still orange, bacon is still cut the same way, and you can get russet potatoes everywhere in America, by walking into any supermarket. These are things that could potentially threaten the food supply, and have their own kind of problems, but they have that familiarity that just screams home. For all my initial thoughts, there is not one of those three that I would not take the right side of the column if I could. 

But today, I found that familiarity in the combination of these ingredients. Baked potatoes, covered in cheese, with broken pieces of bacon on top, skins on the side with butter and salt. That is a great taste. That tastes just like home. Maybe not as much like home as it could have, but enough.

I made a facebook status*: "Yummy baked potatoes with cheese and bacon. They may be weird potatoes and weird bacon, and even weird cheese, but it's a familiar taste! They can take the girl out of Idaho (ok I never lived there), but they can't take the potato out of the girl!"

*quoted out of order

It tastes as good as it is for you

One memory I have as a kid is sitting on my aunt's porch in country Idaho shelling peas. My sister and I were given the task with my cousin. I don't remember how we felt when we were first given the task, but after awhile, it became apparent that this was a good thing to be doing, and it was because these peas tasted amazing. Fresh out of the garden, sweet, and glorious.

As I've looked more into food, I've begun to realize that there is a very real reason for that. The first is that when food is grown in your own backyard (literally in that case, but also figuratively in the case of it being grown close by) it can be picked at the height of freshness, instead of being picked to last the longest before going to market. With the long distance that produce generally travels, and the bumps and bruising that happens along the way, they have actually begun to breed varieties that are picked for their appearance after this journey. They are effectively breeding less tasty varieties, and these varieties pack less nutrients too. It's all for the sake of portability, so the produce grown in California or Florida or Idaho or wherever for the crop can be shipped the average 1500 miles that food travels. The varieties that have been grown for generations that have been chosen just for the fact that they taste delicious, they are being lost. There are places that are saving the wider varieties, such as Seed Savers, which I've bought from. Those seeds were the thing I was most worried about coming through customs into Australia actually, because they have you go through a special line if you have anything like that, and I was worried I'd get my seeds taken away.

You also get varieties that look really really cool, stripey kinds, and purple carrots, blue potatoes. I began to realize that I had this limited concept of fruits and vegetables based on what I had seen at the supermarket, and that there was a whole other world out there, where food is bred to taste delicious, while still retaining a nutrient balance. Like, it makes evolutionary sense! Food that is good for us tastes good! (Now you're thinking about that bag of potato chips that tastes mighty wonderful but will pack on the pounds if you give in to your desire to eat potato chips all day long - well, the issue with that is that in the wild, finding a fat source like that, it would normally be few and far between, and so you would want to gorge on it to improve your fat stores, because it was unpredictable when the next opportunity might come. Instead our opportunity is for every meal of every day, so that has to be tempered by our mind. Not so with produce though.) Foods that have the nutrients we need will be desirable to us, and those that have less are less desirable. If you taste a tomato that's been shipped 1500 miles and an heirloom tomato freshly picked, there is a cosmic difference. There was a lady who tried a Pizzeria 712 caprese salad who had never liked tomatoes before, and when she tried what I'd deem the real thing, she cried.

When I think back to that day, shelling those peas, though, eating them to my heart's content, I was young then. There's that pervasive image in our culture - the mom telling their kids to eat their vegetables. What the kids realize that the mom doesn't is that the vegetables should be telling them themselves to be eaten. No one had to tell me to keep eating those peas that day. I wanted them because they tasted wonderful. I wasn't thinking about the nutrients, because thousands of years of biological evolution and taste-dominated crop selection had already done the work for me. All I had to think about was whether it tasted good. Because with produce, it tastes as good as it is for you.

True Love

If there is one thing I have been convinced of in the past year or so, it is that true love really does exist. When I started coming to my own sense of self last year, and reached the point where I realized that I would be much happier single than I would ever be in an unhappy relationship, I began really looking, exploring what I wanted in a relationship. I saw two examples of relationships that I thought were similar in type to what I would want. My mom's parents, you always knew they loved each other, just with this like, incredibly special love. My grandpa would talk about meeting her, and how he just kinda knew she was the one for him, and you could tell though she wore years and the regular hardship of life on her body, that his love for her had only grown, and he loved her the entire way through.

I also looked at Scott and Carolyn, people who just fit together, who still seemed as interested in each other as they did as newlyweds, four years and two kids on. They are also very very physically affectionate, which is something I've always related to, and I saw in that something I wanted, affection that would go past the courting and early stages.

I started looking for love, but then at some point realized that I just needed to wait for love to find me, that if I wanted what my grandparents had, maybe I needed to wait for the whole package, not to do the finding, but to be found.

And then I was found. In the place I least expected, by a person I would have never guessed existed behind his screen name. And I fell, head over heels in love. A couple weeks after he expressed interest in me, I kind of knew, though it took a few more weeks for my mind to catch up, and accept it.

I remember as a child growing up, seeing all the Hollywood movies about "true love", like Ever After, the Princess Bride, and then like, suddenly realizing that it was not some Hollywood invention, but this is -real-.

I walked into my first marriage with the anticipation that it would be hard, but that it would ultimately be worth it. I was right about the hard part, wrong about it being worth it. With Andrew, things just seemed to fall into place, and seemed easy. Not that the circumstances of life were easy, but we were easy. It isn't this perpetual act of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, but a round peg in a round hole. We fit. We match.

But if there is one thing I wish I could tell everyone, that I could scream to the world, it's that true love is real, and that it is worth it. It is worth whatever it takes, whatever waiting, whatever preparing, whatever uncertainty, whatever risk. You look on the surface of the risk I took - leaving my home, leaving my country, to marry a man I'd never met in person*. But I knew, I just knew. Where I tried to know with Janardan, I just knew naturally with Andrew. We were sitting in the hot tub in New Zealand, telling this guy our story, and he was shocked, but then said, "Well, when you know, you know."

And as I lay here in bed, next to this man I love more than I thought possible, who loves me more than I've ever seen in someone, thinking over our life together to this point. I can't believe that just nine months ago, he was beginning to register on the radar, and ten months ago, I had not the faintest idea or feeling. It seems insane that such a small amount of time has passed, because in some sense, a new life started when we came together - our life. And it has been rich with experiences and beauty. Every day, every moment is special. Even if we're fighting about the rules to a card game, or Andrew's getting pissy because of the traffic. It's our life, and I love it. I feel so lucky to be a part of it. It feels so unique and rare, because I know there is no one else out there who I could have this with, but not because I don't think something like it exists out there for everyone. I think true love is out there for anyone capable of putting someone else before themselves.

And I hope those who haven't found it will, and won't accept anything less, because there is nothing that makes you richer in life than love.

*Now I feel like I need to add a caution here, that I don't think everyone should just go out meeting everyone from the internet all around the world with reckless abandon. Like, only do it if you're sure, because there are a lot of people who will prey on you, and do bad things to you just because you will trust too easily, on the internet and off. At the same time, you have to back yourself to know the difference. If you value yourself, you'll know, and you'll know which way to lean. But don't take the risk with someone else when you don't value yourself. Number one thing is that you aren't really in a place to be with someone else if you aren't comfortable with yourself. The ability to be perfectly happy single is, I think, a vital part of being ready for a committed relationship, most of all to make sure you are not taken advantage of.