Fear

When I was a child, I used to have a hard time getting to sleep. I was haunted by stories of the holocaust, and when the lights went out and everyone else went to sleep, going to sleep in my own room, and I would wonder what if it happened again? What if mormons were the target this time? I only had a vague idea of what happened then, that they had been taken off into concentration camps, killed in gas chambers. It was what I feared most as a child, though. A swastika was a symbol of terror for me. My grandma gave me a book when I was about ten called Three Against Hitler, and I never got past the name and the swastika on the front, afraid of what might be revealed within its depths, thinking it might be too much for me to handle. I was scared of that book.

You see this with a lot of children, though, and I don't think children really know how to express it. Children know about the world we live in. They don't know everything, but they know that there are things to be scared of. I never really voiced my fear to anyone, not until I was much much older did I even mention in passing that I had been a bit scared about the holocaust.

The other thing that used to scare me was listening to the news, and always hearing about someone being murdered. There were always stories of people killing each other, and I used to be scared to go to our basement alone, worried when my mom was taking longer than normal to get home, worried that someone might come in the house, or worried something had happened to her. These were the fears I faced: murder and holocaust.

I had to confront my fears by myself, because in the darkness of night, I was left alone. It never even really occurred to me that my sister was in the room next door to me, and I probably could have gone into her, or that my mom was across the hall, and I could have gone in to her for comfort. Everyone slept in their own beds, and so I figured that is what you did. It was just what was done. It was what was expected of me. I eventually figured out that I didn't have the same fears confront me when I was listening to a story going to sleep. We had Powertales tapes, stories of real life heroes, and I used to listen to their stories as I went to sleep. Then eventually I started taping the audio of tv shows, and listening to that when I went to sleep. If I had a tape, I'd go to sleep very quickly. I used to think that when I got married and lived out on my own, I'd have to have a tape player with me then, and my husband would hopefully be okay with listening to tapes going to sleep.

When I moved in with my dad, I was so happy to be with him, and having come off the most depressing year to my life that point, just after my mom getting remarried, I was really afraid of him dying. I was afraid of what it would mean for my life if he was gone. I had him tell me stories going to bed, and I used to record them, every night, because I wanted to know I'd have them to listen to, if he did ever die.

Going to sleep listening to my dad did a lot for me, in that regard. And then making friends with my best friend, and us sleeping next to each other, arm in arm oftentimes, brought a lot of comfort, and I lost the reliance I had always had on a tape player to be able to sleep. It was also around this time that I began to confront my fear of the holocaust. I read the book my grandma had given me, and really quite enjoyed it. My dad gave me a play to read that was similarly based on the people mentioned in the book. The fear about murder had slowly dissipated as I began to realize that no one showed up to murder me or my family, and that I didn't hear about it happening to anyone I know.

But as I think about those experiences I had as a child, I wonder two things. I wonder why we have a society and social convention setup where our children are separated off to sleep in their own rooms. Now don't get me wrong here, I loved having my own room as a child, loved having my own space, to direct what went on, to have some place that was my own, but I think I would have loved to also have spent lots of nights with my parents and sister. I remember Saturday mornings when we would wake up, and all go into my mom's room, and just lounge around in bed, talking to each other, and enjoying each other's company.

I know there is a large push for cosleeping with young babies, and I highly support that, but I also wonder if our children might benefit, and us as adults too, with sleeping more often in the same room. My grandpa recalled a night he spent with a family, which sounded rather large, and they all slept in the same room, him as the guest included, and it sounded like he really enjoyed the experience. There is also this perception as adults that as soon as we put children to bed that they should be ready to go to sleep. I see this with my dad and my niece, him thinking that she is trying to get away with something when she comes up repeatedly and asks for a glass of water, or for something else. Perhaps I shade it too much by my own past, but I see it as her not knowing how to ask for what she really wants: comfort and not to be alone.

The other thing I consider is that maybe I was wiser before I overcame this fear. I basically overcame it by coming to the realization that I don't live in a segment of society where that is likely to happen, at least at present, and so I personally will be okay. But you see these things happen, genocide and killing, all over the world. And I'm simply not afraid because it's not happening to me or anyone I know. I feel like I should still be scared, because it still exists in humanity, because it is something that still happens, but not so much in the childish, not being able to sleep way, but confronting the world I live in, and that it reaches beyond the bounds I set to consider my “personal” world, but then also with that that perhaps the scariest and worst person I have known is someone who I used to take comfort as being a warm body next to me in my own bed.

I was scared of Janardan for a long time after he left. That's what happened when I was in Australia in December and posted that entry. I was afraid of him again, of what he had done, and that he might be able to do it again to me. I was afraid of losing myself again. It was part of the process, after I decided to stop having contact with him, coming a realization of what life was like when I was not within his mental clutches, but at the same time, not realizing how it had happened in the first place, and sometimes straying to the edge of terror that it would happen again.

But once I felt my own worth and value again, as I felt a pull in another direction, away from his view of me, and into others' view of me, I began to confront the demons of those four years, to question everything that had happened, to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt as I had for so many years, to question his intention in everything, and realize the possibility and probability of the depth of his mistreatment of me, for with emotional abuse, it is difficult to tell always, just how deep the bruises went, just how many lashes there were.

And now, as I go to sleep next to the man who healed me to completion, not really by showing me his view, but showing me a view of myself that is most accurate to the person I really am, to felt seen for the first time, and to see myself for the first time, and to see how to see myself, rather than always depending on the views of others, I am not afraid. In some ways, I know the world is a worse place, more personally than I did when I was a child. I know that bad people really and truly do exist, and that they can be lurking anywhere, that there are mini-hells being created all the time by these people who would don't fit the murderer bill. But I also know there is good in the world too. I know that true love really and truly does exist, because I see it every single day, multiple times a day in my love's eyes. I know that goodness exists, because I have seen so many people. I know the world -can- be a good place. We just can't let the Hitlers rule us. May the good people of the world rule themselves.

Just me

There's been a lot going on with me lately, lots of massive changes going on in my life, some of them planned, some of them not, and some of them planned more than others. I've moved to Australia, gotten married, and I've left the mormon church. I feel like I should write about all of these, and there are lots of adventures to detail with my new husband, also associated with meeting him, and everything like that, but I feel like the biggest thing to address first of all is explaining leaving the church, because I feel like I should let people know about it, first of all, and second of all, explain why, especially since I think the majority of the readers of my blog are mormon.

It basically all comes down to one aspect of my personality, an aspect that has become all the more acute and obvious to me since Janardan left me, because I thought two things about him when I married him - that he would never leave the church, and that he would never leave me. These were two things I felt certain of, so strongly about, and I was smacked in the face with the reality that they were both wrong. There have been other things along the way, things that I have clung to as certainty, that ultimately turn out to be uncertain.

And so, coming over here to be with Andrew, and him not being religious at all, there was concern from his family about the match, and so he spent a lot of time explaining his view on religion, and that he is not anti-religion, but that he thinks that it sells certainty on something that can't be certain.

It began to have me questioning, and assessing whether I was just doing the same thing all over again - was I clinging to a sense of certainty on something where there simply is no certainty? Was I consoling myself with something that, at the end of the day, wasn't there? And when I took a hard look at it, the foundations of my "faith" crumbled, and I felt like I could not be mormon anymore.

I still have great respect for the church. There are so many paths my life could have gone down, which I was averted from by maintaining the morals of the church. I think there is a lot of wisdom there, though I think there is wisdom in many other places, and want to seek that out as well. I want to explore my spirituality, as I've felt spiritual things in other places, and am curious to explore that a bit more, though I don't think I'd ever join another church, just simply because I think the whole concept is a bit flawed, but who knows.

It feels like the last step in a process that has been happening over the course of my life, coming to know myself better, and be comfortable with who I am. I remember sharing a quote from Joe vs the Volcano on here a while ago. "Do you believe in God?" and she answers, "I believe in myself." I can be sure of myself, whereas so many other things are uncertain in this life, and I'm not afraid to face them alone. Or rather, it may scare the shit out of me, but I'm more afraid of embracing false certainty than I am of facing uncertainty. So from now on, I'm me. Just me. But all me.

Vision Security

Walked out of Vision's doors today, potentially for the last time.

I've worked at Vision for awhile. Went there in a bit of a move of desperation. I was looking for a job, because I needed to support me and Janardan, and was not having any luck finding anything. I remember praying, and then remembering Vision, and with a bit of hesitation, emailed my old boss to see if there were any positions available.

It was a bit of an up and down road that first summer. There were so many times I wanted to quit, but then I also didn't. As the summer came to an end, things slowed down, and I became friends with more of the people.

That first off-season...my personal life was a bit hellish through that, it being the period right before my ex left, and then right after he left, and I was pretty lonely and withdrawn outside of work. But at work, I had was valued, and people treated me well, and I actually had people to socialize with. So many late nights with just one other person, talking about so many different things, and just feeling normal. And it wasn't just the people at corporate. I made friends with a couple reps and techs, and they all helped a lot in just helping me feel valued as a person. I was still having uncertainties about Vision, whether corporate really valued me as much as I thought I should be valued, and whether it was where I wanted to stay. I started looking for another job, but upon one of my first interviews, I was sitting outside in my car, and as I walked into the interview, said to myself over and over "I don't want to quit Vision! I don't want to quit Vision!"

That following summer, as I came back to myself with Janardan being gone, I found my voice in the call center. I started singing and laughing all the time. Me and Obby talked about this once, how I was the lifeblood of the call center.

And then, this past year has just been a year of a lot of growth at work, gaining more responsibility, helping train and helping people to grow into better workers, and doing my job to maintain excellent work if I can. But I've also used it as a forum for personal growth. When I decided I wanted to stop complaining, my biggest obstacles were with my work, and the greatest happiness in my work came through giving up on the avenue of thought that led to complaining. It's also been a time to just enjoy the job and the people I work with, just doing what we do, taking calls and making accounts work.

As I look back over, the times I am most grateful for Vision were those times of such personal darkness. I got a job to support my family, and when that fell apart, the people at work supported me, even though we didn't really talk about what was going on in my life. I remember a tech in the call center once called me darlin', and that was a huge thing for me, very confusing too because I was married at the time. But it just made me feel so...special. And Janardan didn't do that for me, ever. And he made me think that I was crazy, but people at work made me feel normal, even if I scared them when I would lay on the floor and laugh.

Thank you Cam, Sarah, Deidre, Raman, Jenny, Dan, Tiara, Jesse, Freddy. You helped me more than you can know, and with things that seemed probably very insignificant.

Raman has said that the call center is like a small town, where you either fit or you don't. I've carved out my place, and made it very much my own, and I have loved my time there. Colter told me that they will miss my cackle in the background.

So I feel like I am leaving my hometown to go off on an adventure, with no plans to ever come back. I've loved it, though. Been a good part in my life. I put Vision Security with pride and sentimentality on my resume.

Thanks for the memories~

Chiarascuro

Affliction. My life has had its share of trials. But when I look back, each of the most difficult periods of my life has propelled me into new appreciation of life.

When I was 12, my mom got remarried, and I moved with her and my sister to New York. The changed dynamic of the family was one thing that was hard to deal with, along with hostility at school. I loved church in New York, though. We had great leaders, and it was a very tight-knit group. It was during that year that I first read and finished the Book of Mormon. I knew before the end that it was true, but still took Moroni's challenge at the end, and felt that confirmation, that this book was true, and that it was the word of God.

This propelled my life into a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It was just the beginning of something that has come to have such depth and meaning to me. I love them, I know them, and I am so grateful for all that they are to me, and all that they give to me. I also grew very close to my dad in that time. I'd escape to him, and we would play games together, and he'd just give me the attention I was so desperate for.

...............................

Mark also came to me during a time of affliction. It is strange to have a child enter your life not as a baby. Like, I feel this sense of Mark being born to me, but he was 14, but maybe it's more that is when I was born as a mother. When we were born, that was a huge change in my life. I feel like that is when I began to appreciate beauty. I saw in him something I'd never seen before, just a purity and beauty. I used to call him beautiful all the time, and still do on occasion. It was just so awe-inspiring, to behold what I saw in him, as he went through all these difficult things, to see that he had something truly special about him. It made the world more beautiful to me. It made me appreciate snuggling with my nieces more, their laughs, and just what love meant to me.

And then, Janardan leaving me, which actually was not that much affliction, but brought a great deal of relief, but the life that led up to that point was quite painful, and full of affliction. I feel like him leaving is when I came to really appreciate myself. It's when I realized my value, what my life could be like, and that it had not been living up to what it could have been, and that I had given away a lot of the rights to my life, and so it was a big experience for reclaiming myself.

And there has been a lot of healing, and just enjoying life the past year. Dated a few people, had lots of guys tell me I'm beautiful, feeling desired and desirable again. And then finally realizing that I didn't want to be looking for a guy, that I wanted to be found. I wanted to be found by someone who could embrace all the different aspects of me, and the other important relationships in my life. I wondered if such a man existed as I would need, to support me through the things in my life that are far from typical. I thought perhaps I would never be with someone again, but also felt at peace with that, because I knew from experience that it could be delightful to be single, and it was much better to be in that position than to be in a horrible marriage.

But then I got found. I have the ability to see into people sometimes, to look, and see more in them than they see in themselves to a degree. This has been huge with Mark, but I will be able to see into other people on occasion, and sometimes show them something in themselves. I'd never really had the experience myself, but that's what Andrew brought to me. He looked inside, and just told me what he saw, and then I could see it too.

Affliction is the dark parts in the chiaroscuro painting of my life, but these relationships, they are the bright points. I love to love, and it is worth all the affliction I've been through to have these people in my life.

From Emily~ (Part 2)

Jennie’s 22^nd year in life was a really difficult one for me. My husband was finishing his thesis for graduate school, and was taking longer than it was supposed to. I was in a Spanish ward when I didn’t even speak Spanish. I felt very isolated in my life in a lot of ways, but Jennie really saved me that year.

Jennie had really developed a characteristic of compassion, caring, giving and serving when she got married. When she was growing up she pretty much wouldn’t do anything for anyone, but when she got married that changed so much, and it was beautiful aspect to develop in her personality.

Jennie gave to me and my daughters so much that year. We would talk on the phone almost every day even though we lived half a block from each other and saw each other most days. She was so willing to watch my kids and help me out, when there was so little time I got out. She really was like a second mom to my kids during that time when I really needed it. She was around so much and knew how I mothered my children, that she would pick up when she sensed how tired, or frustrated I was. What a blessing that was to me and my family as we were finishing up this important but difficult chapter of graduate school.

I decided to run a half marathon and she was so encouraging. When my husband didn’t have time to watch the kids so I could go for runs, she would take them. Or if it is was in the evening and I didn’t feel like going she would go with me. I am so grateful I was able to run in that half marathon and I know that part of the reason I was able to was because of her support.

Jennie was truly my best friend. We would laugh so much together. Watch movies and tv together or separately and then discuss it. We would go to Joann’s together and do sewing parties. I remember one winter I wanted to save on gas money so Jennie and I rode on my husband’s scooter all the way to the fabric store in pretty cold weather. Iremember eating lots of dinners together, and Jennie always being there when I needed to talk to someone when I was so frustrated how long my husband’s thesis was taking. I am so grateful to everything she gave to me and my family that year.

From Stefanie~

5th grade:The first sleepover Jennie and i ever spent together we weren't friends just vague acquaintances from school. Jennie had spent most of the evening playing some light puzzle game that was popular then with a stubborn refusal to do anything else.
First impression I thought Jennie was irritating. Until everyone else fell asleep and we were the only ones left awake I convinced her to come outside with me because there was supposed to be a comet that night. Well Jennie stayed out there with me until the wee hours of the morning and we never saw a comet. I often get things wrong. However I remember thinking this Jennie girl is ok, I could maybe be friends with her. It was also the first time among many that Jennie would be there for me.

8th grade: I followed Amy Price and her sarcastic humor to lunch with Jennie one day and I kept coming back. Jennie and Amy's sarcastic banter with bits of oddness thrown in and endless continue jokes (As Soon Does Forget) was something I loved listening to and the gummy snacks Jennie sometimes shared didn't hurt either. This was when I really began to know Jennie and how much she loves Giant brand gummy snacks ahaha.
9th Grade/ High School years: Ninth grade Jennie and I became fast friends. It all seemed to start with a lunch table full of friends. We gathered together at every free moment lunchtime and before school convos became our ritual. Jennie could always be counted on for an extra buck when I forgot my lunch (again), help with homework, and endless fits of laughter. Then it just seemed Jennie had everything I needed in a friend. We shared endless sleepovers with movies, mindless activities, and middle of the night singing. In the dark hours of the morning we also shared our hopes and fears. Jennie became my anchor, everything I had I tied to her and she kept me stable. That was when Jennie became my best friend.

So let's take today to celebrate another year in the life of a wonderful person.

From Emily~ (Part 1)

I remember when I was about 6 or 7 and Jennie and I would fight all the time. I assume this is pretty standard for sisters. I also remembering my dad having a conversation with me how when Jennie and I both grown up a bit, that we would probably be really good friends, and I would be so glad to have a sister. Of course I didn’t believe him at all.

Well about 6 years later our lives had changed a lot. We had moved across the country from Colorado to Maryland, and our parents were no longer married, our parents had been separated for a number of years. We were just embarking on a completely new adventure: our mom dating!

While in retrospect our mom admits that she dated her first boyfriend way too long, and as irritating as it was for me and Jennie to have him around all the time, as sisters we grew a lot. I feel like this was the beginning of what my dad had been talking about. Instead of Jennie and I kind of getting a long and fighting a lot, I started to really see how cool Jennie was, and how grateful I was to have her as my sister.

So a couple of my memories from this year in Jennie’s life was her bluntness. One Saturday my mom’s boyfriend was making pancakes, and not going a great job with it. They were getting burned and not turning out very well. Jennie in very direct style for a 9 year-old stated, “My dad makes really good pancakes”, and then the boyfriend had the brilliance to respond, “Well, let’s all clap for your dad!”

Jennie and I would get really irritated with the boyfriend, but found a whole new joy in eachother. We started talking in ob all the time. We didn’t do it to irritate the boyfriend, more because we wanted to have private conversations, but later when we found out that it irritated him, that definitely didn’t deter us.

I remember when we had the blizzard and got snowed in with the boyfriend, and Jennie and I started digging out our cul-de-sac because we wanted him gone. While I am not sad that this boyfriend is no longer apart of our life, I am grateful for how close Jennie and I got, and I got a glimpse of what my dad was talking about, that my sister would really be a great friend.