On Enjoying the Agency of Others

There is so much in this life that we can affect, that we can choose for ourselves, how we can determine our attitude and destiny in so many ways. But then there are some things where our lives are incredibly affected by the choices that others make. There are the moments when others lift us when we fall, when someone tells us something we would have never thought on our own, but resonates so soundly with us, that in an instant, it becomes part of who we are.

It can affect us negatively too, in the form of abuse and intentional, or even unintentional hurting. There are lots of moments of uncertainty that come to our lives because of the agency of others, if we care about them, while they are making a decision, seeing what they will do, and how that will affect us.

This is the kind of thing that has in the past had the tendency to drive me crazy. If there is a possibility of some upheaval, I will just assume it is going to happen, so I do not have to deal with the reality of uncertainty. Uncertainty has been the state I try to avoid more than anything. Pain I at least have some coping for.

But now I am trying to embrace the uncertainty that others bring into my life. Embrace the thought that I don't know where tomorrow will lead, that the possibilities are there, and not all of the choices are mine to make to see where my life goes. To give up control of my life where I never really had it except in the artifice of my own mind. And to enjoy the uncertainty.

There is something thrilling about it. It is exciting, though it is really not doing -anything-.

I've come to this point after taking a while to just notice and analyze how other people's choices affect the relationships I have with them. It started with my ex leaving, but I've been noticing lots of things since, how other people's choices affect me, how they keep on choosing things even if I wait to choose, just sit back to analyze (which is a choice in itself I realize), and how life keeps going on, and I don't have to make it. And that there are plenty of people out there who willingly choose to be in my company, and treat me well, and appreciate me for who I am.

It feels like a river of choices, flowing all around me, and I know mine affect me the most, most determine where I will go, but the other choices matter a lot too. And when I don't know what someone else is going to choose, I can wait and see, and just enjoy the ride. For it is thrilling.