Monday, May 3, 2010


When I find something I want to work on, I tend to plan, I tend to make rules for myself. I want to see a friend more, I make a mental arrangement of how much I would like to see them. And a lot of that I think comes down to a basic distrust of myself to do that which is necessary, or that I will have a sustained desire to do the things I want to do at the moment I make such a decision. So I make a rule, a guideline, whatever.

I think a lot of that stems from the reaction of how I dealt with being depressed when I first got married. Forcing myself to do the things I didn't want to do, because I hoped that they would make me feel better. It is for that reason that I would have marathon baking sessions, and want to have 20 meals worth of food in my freezers, so that if I was depressed, it would not spell the end of eating.

But I've come to the point where I realize that mode of operating is not really necessary anymore. I am generally happy, and feel capable of cooking for myself anytime I want to eat. I will make plans to see my friends if I want to. It is embracing a basic trust in myself, to take each day as it comes, to not sacrifice today for tomorrow, without sacrificing tomorrow for today, living each day to the fullest, with an eye to the future, that I may continue to do so indefinitely.

I like to take time to feel the sensation of my lungs filling up with air, the simple act of taking a breath. It is really an amazing feeling. Every moment of every day I am doing this thing, but it takes noticing it to realize its power. I feel the same way about observing nature and the weather. It goes on all around me anyway, I'll be outside walking around in it, but when I take a moment to notice it, I am almost always inspired by its beauty, in all the varieties it comes in.

I do those things, and I have no rule about them, no goal to do them once each day, or anything like that. It just comes as I anticipate loving the moment I am in, trusting myself, I find that some of the best moments are just taking a moment to notice my breath, or looking to the beautiful world around me.

And so I trust myself for the next moments to come.

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