Monday, January 31, 2011

So many things to write about. What to say.

I am back. I am me. More me than I think I have ever been before, and what a wonderful thing that is. I remember a year ago, that feeling of having myself back, feeling like, oh right, I am a person. And now I feel like, I'm fully free. I'm who I am. And a lot of that came from one night in Australia. I'd had a rough day, don't really remember what had been going on, but not the greatest of days, and was just in bed about to go to sleep when Andrew started messaging me, telling me he wanted to respond to this post. He told me that I have qualities that are so rare, that he has not seen in other girls, that I am special, and that I should never question the quality of person I am. That moment changed my life. Like regardless of what has happened since, I felt like that moment is what gave me myself back, that made me feel like, no one else has control of my life but me, and I am in charge of my life, of myself, and how I feel. And that I don't need to be afraid anymore.

Now I wanna backtrack and tell the story that I've been...worried about telling for a long time. I kinda wrote something vague about Mark, and who he is, and how he's my son or whatever, but it's time to do the story more justice.

I don't really know how it happened. I met Mark playing Mafia, didn't know his name at the time, and he just seemed very sad. I wanted to take care of him, wanted to give him friends and community, so wanted him to come to TSC, where I could talk to him more, and just give him more people to associate with. He eventually came to TSC, and it eventually came out that he was the brother to another member of TSC, and had been lying to us. I was the most hurt, because I had wanted to trust him, had tried to, and felt like my trust had been betrayed. When we talked after it all came out, I told him he couldn't lie to me, that that was the condition of us remaining friends. And he agreed, and he was so faithful to that agreement, more than I thought was possible.

And in the mix of this time, I just began to feel...differently toward him. The ways I thought to describe it were that I felt like a mother lion protecting her young, or a mother hen. And then eventually it just clicked in my mind, that how I loved him, it was maternal. It was like a mother. It all suddenly made sense. It was weird, though, because I was pretty sure that was not how he felt about me, and was not sure how he would respond to finding that out, and then also like, that he was a teenager, but I had all these desires to hold him like a baby, and whatever else. So I kind of, hung back with my knowledge of how I felt, until it finally came to a head one day, and I told him that I loved him like my own son.

It was the first time that anyone had ever told him they loved him. It confused him, because it made him wonder what love was, and did he love me? And did his parents love him (because I said that they probably did, but were just not good about showing it). He thought he would never know what love was, but then a few days later told me that he loved me too. And we just sort of settled into our mother/son relationship online, playing games together, talking about life, fighting, having fun, me helping him through crises.

Janardan hated it. His reaction plus my sister's made me think that everyone would think I was crazy, or that it was some horrible thing I was doing, and so I was scared to tell anyone, and only told people with the most caution, and a feeling of trepidation. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, because I loved my son, and was so happy that he was in my life, but felt like I couldn't be accepted for it. I think Janardan would have liked it if I would have just stopped having a relationship with Mark altogether, but to me, that was impossible, when he was suicidal. A life mattered. Life matters. And so it was something that was important enough to me to disagree with Janardan on. Which, in a way, is perhaps what eventually saved me.

A friend shared an article with me, about these rats where they injected hormones into them, and they acted just as much like mother to these baby rats as ones that had actually given birth to them (or in cases more where they suppressed those hormones in the mother rats). That article made perfect sense to me, and helped me understand perhaps a little more how the miracle of my motherhood had come about, because I really do believe it is a miracle given to both of us by the Lord.

But yeah, I've still been skittish about talking about him, just because I've felt alone in the way I felt, like me and Mark are the only people who really get it. Enter Andrew again. We were talking one night about this process, and just how it came about, and he said to me, "You know, it seems like the way you reacted, it was just natural." And I was like "YES!" This is exactly how I felt, and it was so....liberating to find someone else who felt that way about it.

I knew after like three days of being in Australia that I was going to be moving there. When things got hard, that prospect seemed less enticing, but overall, I am super excited about it now. I'm going to study nursing, and then midwifery, so I can become a midwife. I am so excited. I also kind of felt like, when the Lord was directing me towards Australia that there was a guy there for me too, so I kept looking around for one, but was not really finding one.

Well...Andrew is from Australia. He is not from where I was, and he was going to maybe make it up there so we could meet up, but that didn't end up happening. This man is amazing. We'll get to go on our first date in December! lol, it's so far away. But yeah, he is like...amazing, beyond even the things I've mentioned already here. He thinks I'm amazing, and like, sees me as one of a kind, like the perfect woman for him. And I see him the same way. He just matches me. He can be silly and serious, smart and stupid. I can be silly with him like I am with Stefanie, and feel like I can trust him with anything. There were all these things I wanted in a guy, and like, just kind of had them as a laundry list, and could not really envision what someone with these qualities would actually look like, but knowing him, I understand how they can all exist, even though it still seems so impossible. Like, a man as great as him should not be possible. He is far better than anything I could have ever imagined. I am so in love with him. :) (He and Mark get along too, this is a huge bonus).

Well, there is a small snapshot into the adventures going on in my life right now. :)


  1. whoa in love!!! so happy!! and i'm SO glad we got to catch up last week, i can't wait to see you again! and i can't wait to come to australia to visit you and meet andrew!

  2. You're moving to Australia?! Whaaa? Yeah, we had better get together before your leave the continent!