On Enjoying the Agency of Others

There is so much in this life that we can affect, that we can choose for ourselves, how we can determine our attitude and destiny in so many ways. But then there are some things where our lives are incredibly affected by the choices that others make. There are the moments when others lift us when we fall, when someone tells us something we would have never thought on our own, but resonates so soundly with us, that in an instant, it becomes part of who we are.

It can affect us negatively too, in the form of abuse and intentional, or even unintentional hurting. There are lots of moments of uncertainty that come to our lives because of the agency of others, if we care about them, while they are making a decision, seeing what they will do, and how that will affect us.

This is the kind of thing that has in the past had the tendency to drive me crazy. If there is a possibility of some upheaval, I will just assume it is going to happen, so I do not have to deal with the reality of uncertainty. Uncertainty has been the state I try to avoid more than anything. Pain I at least have some coping for.

But now I am trying to embrace the uncertainty that others bring into my life. Embrace the thought that I don't know where tomorrow will lead, that the possibilities are there, and not all of the choices are mine to make to see where my life goes. To give up control of my life where I never really had it except in the artifice of my own mind. And to enjoy the uncertainty.

There is something thrilling about it. It is exciting, though it is really not doing -anything-.

I've come to this point after taking a while to just notice and analyze how other people's choices affect the relationships I have with them. It started with my ex leaving, but I've been noticing lots of things since, how other people's choices affect me, how they keep on choosing things even if I wait to choose, just sit back to analyze (which is a choice in itself I realize), and how life keeps going on, and I don't have to make it. And that there are plenty of people out there who willingly choose to be in my company, and treat me well, and appreciate me for who I am.

It feels like a river of choices, flowing all around me, and I know mine affect me the most, most determine where I will go, but the other choices matter a lot too. And when I don't know what someone else is going to choose, I can wait and see, and just enjoy the ride. For it is thrilling.

Cosmic moments and the ordinary

There are these cosmic moments, the moments where lives hang in the balance, when life's purpose is evident, and life is full of meaning, because of the very choices being made in that moment.

But these moments pass. Not every decision is wrought with that intensity of feeling, and the knowledge of the all-important purpose. The majority of decisions in life are tiny, and feel so insignificant as to be purposeless. Showering, doing dishes, driving to work, what song to listen to on the radio, what to eat for dinner, what to do for entertainment. Contrasted with the potential actions that could help save or lose a life, with the huge changes that are made, marriage, divorce, children, moving. All these small decisions can begin to feel automatic, and meaningless.

But a choice is a choice. There is cosmic significance in the very act of choosing. We alter the course of our lives through the choices we make. That is the power we have. To alter ourselves, to alter our interactions with others.

I feel like in writing, it all comes to rest around these cosmic moments. It is not just some every day person doing some every day thing, though I do enjoy writing about those things. A person enjoying the first strawberry of the season. It is a scene, but not a story.

When I think of how important this day really is, in the scheme of things, it makes me want to weep, for I feel I have utterly wasted it. I have let myself get beaten down by little things that should not matter. Whether it is today or a thousand years from now, the only time I have to experience is now. I deserve happiness now, in this moment, and if I am not, I should be working towards it.

Today is not a cosmic moment. It is one more day in the uphill struggle for happiness. It is a fight against the current, to not let all the reasons to be unhappy win out, but to struggle for happiness, and end with a smile on my face, perhaps tears in my eyes, but tears that I know will dry into joy.

I love being alive, in this totally ordinary moment that seems inconsequential. The only thing that makes this moment matter is that I am choosing to be happy. That I am taking my ability to choose and using it. And I smile.

There are angels all around us

I got food poisoning last night, and woke up four times throughout the night to empty the entire contents of my stomach. I woke up this morning with my stomach feeling a little uneasy, and incredible weak. I thought it would be good to just have some juice, and so I went into the kitchen to mix up some juice, and was overcome by my weakness, and had to sit down before I had even been in the kitchen a couple seconds. So I went back to my room, and got in bed, and called my sister, and asked if she had any juice or ice cream.

She brought me over both, and after a bowl of ice cream, I feel ten times better. An hour ago, I thought there was very little chance I would be able to make it to work, but now I feel like I can get myself some food together, and get ready and go and work.

I was thinking about this moment of weakness, and how dependent we are on other people. I was thinking about what if I was completely on my own. I probably would have tried to make the juice eventually anyway, and maybe I would have fainted, and be in an even worse position.

But today, I had my sister there, who I could call, and in a minute was over here getting me a bowl of ice cream, and giving me strength I could not have on my own. She was my angel today.

I didn't realize it until someone else called me an angel for being able to reach out to her, and offer my consolation to her. When we lift one person up, we lift up so much more than one. There are angels all around us, who help us in our times of need. I'm so grateful for my angel sister.

Stopping and Smelling the Roses

I've changed a lot over the course of the last 6 months or so. One of the biggest things that I started out trying to do a lot more was just to enjoy every moment for what it had to offer. I remember when I discovered that breathing felt amazing, and sometimes I just wanted to sit and feel my lungs fill with air, and how amazing that felt, how amazing it was to have a body that could do this amazing thing, and how wonderful it made me feel.

It is a kind of mindset change that seems encapsulated by the phrase "stopping and smelling the roses." When spring came, and I would start walking outside, I would sometimes come across a smell, and would stop, close my eyes, and just enjoy that wonderful smell. One of my favorite smells is a smell I remember vividly from going to the mountains in Colorado when I was probably just four years old.

One day I caught a smell, and stopped to smell it, and realized it was a rose. As I stood there, standing at my neighbors fence, I began to realize that that phrase is not just metaphorical. It is literal. There are beautiful moments to be had every day. There are a variety of wonderful smells, textures, tastes, feelings, all waiting to be experienced, to put aside the other thoughts, and just focus, for one brief moment, on how it feels to be alive in that very moment.

And sometimes that moment will be literal roses, and it is worth it to stop and smell the roses.

The Sacred, the Beautiful, and the Magical

There is something magical and beautiful about clouds resting around the tops of mountains. It is this beautiful display of earth reaching up to its highest point, and the heavens reaching down to touch the earth. It seems like a scene that would be part of any number of fantasy stories, and here it is, right outside my window, greeting me with beauty.

I was in the temple yesterday, thinking about the sacred things that go on there, and how they go beyond what I would consider magical, and they are truly sacred and special. I've been thinking about magic a lot, as it is a recurring theme in fantasy, and I am drawn towards fantasy for writing, in world creation, and things like that, but not to flashy magic. I guess my perspective is that the kind of magic I would want to write about would all be a matter of perspective, that our world is magical to those who have a different view.

These mountains, the clouds around them, their beautiful is magical and mystical to me. It is the same thing when I find beauty where I do not expect it. I think the most compelling kind of beauty is not the one that is striven for, and created just for that purpose, it is when something else is happening, and it is beautiful beyond the purpose. The mountains are there doing their own thing. The clouds are coming to bring rain and do their own thing. Their union is not planned so that I can look up and see the beauty. It is the same thing with seeing beauty in relationships. Relationships between others or even with myself involved, do not exist so I can admire their beauty. They go on for their own reasons, but there is something so undeniably beautiful that just shines through sometimes.

It makes me think of the concept of shri in yoga, to shine through your pose. The intent of the pose is not beauty. It is work, it is a connection with your body, to help it, to make it feel good, but then when you add shri, there is something beautiful about it.

The magic in this world is not our electronics. It is not our cars, or even our ability to split atoms. I mean, sure, these things are the flashy kind of magic, with instantaneous results, like a light switch. But the true magic of this world is the beauty that comes through things and people fulfilling their purposes in life.

But those things get to be so magical that they almost cross a threshold into the realm of sacred. There are so many magical, sacred, beautiful moments to be experienced in this world. I love finding them.

The Miracle of Birth, and even more the Miracle of Life

Four years ago, I witnessed a miracle. I watched my niece Prairie be born. It was beautiful. Birth is powerful. I watched my sister, as she pushed this beautiful little baby out, as she labored with her, and how ecstatic she was to have this new life, and I felt part of that too. It was an amazing day.

But amazing as it was, in some ways the greater miracle is the daily things that have come since then. It is the moments of growth, of joy. It is the life that she has lived that has been a miracle, the bright ray of sunshine that she is to so many around her. She loves to snuggle, and she is serious about her dancing, and she loves textures.

4 years ago, an amazing child was born into the world. I love her so very much.

Trust

When I find something I want to work on, I tend to plan, I tend to make rules for myself. I want to see a friend more, I make a mental arrangement of how much I would like to see them. And a lot of that I think comes down to a basic distrust of myself to do that which is necessary, or that I will have a sustained desire to do the things I want to do at the moment I make such a decision. So I make a rule, a guideline, whatever.

I think a lot of that stems from the reaction of how I dealt with being depressed when I first got married. Forcing myself to do the things I didn't want to do, because I hoped that they would make me feel better. It is for that reason that I would have marathon baking sessions, and want to have 20 meals worth of food in my freezers, so that if I was depressed, it would not spell the end of eating.

But I've come to the point where I realize that mode of operating is not really necessary anymore. I am generally happy, and feel capable of cooking for myself anytime I want to eat. I will make plans to see my friends if I want to. It is embracing a basic trust in myself, to take each day as it comes, to not sacrifice today for tomorrow, without sacrificing tomorrow for today, living each day to the fullest, with an eye to the future, that I may continue to do so indefinitely.

I like to take time to feel the sensation of my lungs filling up with air, the simple act of taking a breath. It is really an amazing feeling. Every moment of every day I am doing this thing, but it takes noticing it to realize its power. I feel the same way about observing nature and the weather. It goes on all around me anyway, I'll be outside walking around in it, but when I take a moment to notice it, I am almost always inspired by its beauty, in all the varieties it comes in.

I do those things, and I have no rule about them, no goal to do them once each day, or anything like that. It just comes as I anticipate loving the moment I am in, trusting myself, I find that some of the best moments are just taking a moment to notice my breath, or looking to the beautiful world around me.

And so I trust myself for the next moments to come.