I am always excited to get a calling. The fresh new idea of serving in some new capacity, of feeling useful, of contributing, and taking things a new way.
I have two callings right now, and it is funny, because when I received both calls, I felt like I completely understood why I would be called to these positions, and I felt a great confidence in being able to do them, and thought that it would be great. My callings are Sunbeam teacher and Ward Choir Director.
I feel like these callings that I thought I would be great for, I end up feeling like a chicken running around with my head cut off. I have a few wonderful and faithful members of my choir, who are always there and support me, but I often feel like we have no one, we need men, we need women, we need anyone. I feel like I know from my singing class a bit about singing, but feel like my knowledge is more adaptable to helping individuals than a group. I often feel like I have no vision of what I am supposed to be doing, and I run choir practice by going through the motions.
I had a sliver of clarity today, though. I came to choir, and was lamenting that I had not sent out an email, that I had not yet talked to this woman who I wanted to do a descant, and then that I felt like there was no one in choir. I left my house too late to walk to church, so I drove, and then I had a couple minutes before choir, and I was thinking, and I wanted to do something. And the scripture came to my mind, that where two or three are gathered for the sake of the Father, he is there. And so I started off choir by reading that. And it made me more grateful for those wonderful dependable few who I know will always be there, and made me happy they were there. And it was a calming moment for me, and just a reminder that even if I don't have a choir with even all the parts represented, if I don't have the balance I think I need, that I have a small meeting there each Sunday, with a group of people who want to get together and sing praises to the Lord. And that the Lord is with us, just for that.
It is still hard to not let the other things get to me.
And then teaching Sunbeams. That calling is insane. I had a calling in nursery a few years ago and I loved it. I thought it was great. So I thought, Sunbeams, sure, this should be fine, right? And I love my niece whose that age, and love to play with her and whatever else, so this should be great.
The notion of trying to get three-year olds to sit relatively still for three hours is insane to me. I feel like it's constant in Sharing Time, trying to get one kid or another to sit still and stay in their seat. Then when it is time for class, I feel like it is a constant battle to try and keep their attention, and for me to keep focused on what I am even trying to teach. It is a good thing our lessons are as simple as "I am Thankful for Plants and Flowers" so when my mind gets distracted by the kids running around, and trying to get them back in their seats, I can remember that I just need to tell them something about plants.
I look at these lessons, and I am so excited about them. Like, just talking all about plants and flowers, that sounds awesome! And then I think about getting to share my passion with these kids. But it never ends up quite how I think it will. I am so grateful for the woman that I serve with. She is so engaging, and keeps their attention so well. I am so glad that I get to learn from her when she teaches every other week, and I hope that I can aspire to be as good a teacher to three-year-olds as she is. She is fabulous.
I think of the words of Enos a lot, about his struggle. These callings are such struggles to me, and I sometimes wonder if I am actually doing anything that matters. I love my little sunbeams. They are so cute, and they make me smile, and I am so glad I get to be with them, but I wonder if I am really teaching them anything.
But I also get the feeling that this struggle, this stress and whatever else, it means I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's not supposed to be easy, and it is certainly hard. And so the Lord has placed me here to grow. And so I hope that is what I am doing.